tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post8950953082142990975..comments2023-09-05T23:24:27.006-06:00Comments on Happy meets Crazy: To Get Me Back in the MoodCherylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10218614720786379961noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-40609247014345481982008-11-22T23:04:00.000-07:002008-11-22T23:04:00.000-07:00Ditto to the above editorial comments and keep pos...Ditto to the above editorial comments and keep posting those excerpts, because this is about the only place and time I have to read chick lit. Thanks for the bright spot, kiddo.Ameliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06135556255764942921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-87127632847321954222008-11-21T23:44:00.000-07:002008-11-21T23:44:00.000-07:00More please. And I actually liked her wheeling he...More please. <BR/>And I actually liked her wheeling her chair over, I totally got the rolling desk chair thing.<BR/><BR/>Conflicting coment are, I know, super helpful, so you're welcome.Alison Wonderlandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15764321314666554990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-39990943024783041572008-11-21T16:39:00.000-07:002008-11-21T16:39:00.000-07:00You're awesome (logical awesome!--dude, third time...You're awesome (logical awesome!--dude, third time I've said that today--wait, maybe it's the fourth!) for doing this and having three times as many words as I have. Which reminds me that I did finally set up my profile, which is also empty except for username. <BR/><BR/>About "throwing up promptly," I vote for dumping the "promptly" and saying she threw up in the toilet. Adverbs are low man on the totem pole. I want to know where she threw up. I will assume she did it in an expeditious manner, since that is how throwing up is usually done.<BR/><BR/>I could totally satirize a writing workshop critique-circle. (Correction: scratch "totally" as unnecessary adverb.)<BR/><BR/>I am curious about what comes before and after. I am always curious what comes before vomiting. Not always curious about what comes after, but since I know that she's cleaned up, my curiosity is piqued. Why doesn't she want to see Ryan? I must know. ("Get used to disappointment." "Okay.")<BR/><BR/>I would give you more feedback, but you have inspired me to work on my novel instead.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-84393695221378355732008-11-21T10:17:00.000-07:002008-11-21T10:17:00.000-07:00It's intriguing to me! I want to know what history...It's intriguing to me! I want to know what history Ryan and Anna have!flip flop mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13770484678729883256noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-60771891146454891442008-11-21T09:54:00.000-07:002008-11-21T09:54:00.000-07:00Maybe it could be she slid her chair over?I though...Maybe it could be she slid her chair over?<BR/>I thought she was prego too. I read a LOT of chick lit (shelves of it) and my first thought was she had a 1 night stand with said hot lawyer and was prego and didn't want to talk about it. Clearly not what you are going for, but just putting in my 2 cents. <BR/>Either way, I am excited to read more. I love chick lit. It is nice to have a fun read that only takes a couple hours. :)Michelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02926562536831590761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-82410538155550803532008-11-20T22:37:00.000-07:002008-11-20T22:37:00.000-07:00I love that last part that Lizzie wrote, about voi...I love that last part that Lizzie wrote, about voice. I think everytime I tried to write a story that's what would happen. It just wasn't natural. I thought it was good but would have liked more. I didn't get that she was throwing up in response to seeing him. My first thought was pregnant and honestly, I was wondering, what is Cheryl writing? :) Give us some more. Please. :)Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15157523019167820612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-16580343382333203702008-11-20T17:21:00.000-07:002008-11-20T17:21:00.000-07:00I love editing for people with whom I have no emot...I love editing for people with whom I have no emotional connection. However with friends, it's hard, because you don't want to hurt their feelings. So I'm glad someone else started the editing, so I can just add on! So, yeah, totally agree on the edits so far. Here's another editing note I would add:<BR/><BR/>“Don’t look at me like that! I heard you. Now why would that handsome new lawyer make you go throw up? Did he really rattle you that much?”<BR/>This dialogue doesn't ring true to me. It sounds like something that was written trying to sound like actual dialogue, but not like anything anyone would actually say in real life. But you're not alone in this, I read a lot of dialogue like this, and I just think "Where is this world where people talk like this?" You should have no problem fixing this, however, because if you look at your own blog writing you have an awesome ability to write with a strong voice. I would recommend going over your dialogue and reading it out loud as if you were talking. The phrase "Now why would that handsome new lawyer make you go throw up?" would never be said by Cheryl. <BR/><BR/>*Note: I had a good example of how to phrase it more naturally, but my VT came while I was typing this and now an hour has passed and it's escaped me. But I'm sur eyou can fix it, if not it'll come back to me I'm sure.Lizziehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11586312065720268894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-29309756560058719102008-11-20T13:24:00.000-07:002008-11-20T13:24:00.000-07:00Oh, one more thing - Anna "wheeling her chair" ove...Oh, one more thing - Anna "wheeling her chair" over to the phone makes it sound like she's in a wheelchair, which we know she's not. Maybe replace it with "kicked" or "rolled". Although "rolled" might have the same problem...maybe just "moved" although that doesn't give you the visual you're looking for....The Wizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18200774436938621900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-53522018580079334372008-11-20T12:28:00.000-07:002008-11-20T12:28:00.000-07:00The Wiz is good at this. :)Two things I'd add1) Av...The Wiz is good at this. :)<BR/><BR/>Two things I'd add<BR/><BR/>1) Avoid exclamation points. The more they're used, the less impact they have, and the dialogue ends up coming across as everyone screaming. 1-2 per book is sort of a decent limit to shoot for.<BR/><BR/>2) You could work in a little more contextual detail into the dialogue--what I call "beats"--so we don't have floating heads talking but we see facial expressions, gestures, thoughts, etc. <BR/><BR/>Yes, finish it! Yes, I'm curious as to what's going on and what will happen next. Way to be brave and put it out there!Annette Lyonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12493583432919249814noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-85266989807109819432008-11-20T12:08:00.000-07:002008-11-20T12:08:00.000-07:00Note to self: Give synopsis of plot and make excer...Note to self: Give synopsis of plot and make excerpts of scenes longer. Do this in next NaNo post!<BR/><BR/>Wiz-<BR/>That's what I'm talkin' about! Thank you!Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10218614720786379961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-37696147374848270062008-11-20T11:42:00.000-07:002008-11-20T11:42:00.000-07:00Obviously it’s kind of hard to critique without ha...Obviously it’s kind of hard to critique without having the before and after information. We don’t know if you are giving too much or too little information because we don’t know what has happened up to this point or if you are explaining it later on.<BR/> <BR/>All in all though I think it’s great for a first draft! <BR/><BR/>I agree with pretty much everything the Wiz said though…maybe you could have her be your editor when you go to publish it :)Desihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16635243526340799207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-35257562288000268322008-11-20T10:30:00.000-07:002008-11-20T10:30:00.000-07:00Ok, here you go: (put on your thick skin, but I re...Ok, here you go: (put on your thick skin, but I really am trying to be helpful)<BR/><BR/>"She went inside, turned on the fan and the light, shut the door, and promptly threw-up into the toilet." <BR/><BR/>It would be better if you shortened it - "She went in and promptly threw up." We don't need to know that she locked the door, turned on the fan, etc. etc. It's unnecessary and removes the impact. If she's "promptly" throwing up, she's certainly taking her sweet time about it. Just get her to the toilet. (Oh, and "in the toilet" is unnecessary as well, we assume that's where she threw up if she made it to the bathroom.) <BR/><BR/>Also, "threw-up" does not have a dash, I believe. (could be a typo).<BR/><BR/>You can even keep the sound of the fan drowning out her retching in the next paragraph, most public places have a fan going anyway, we don't need to see her turning it on.<BR/><BR/>And, does Britt know her really well or something, how does she know Anna just puked? I mean, she just went to the bathroom. Unless they're really tight, she wouldn't pick up on that. (This could possibly be explained with more of the book.)<BR/><BR/>"What's wrong!" Typo. Needs a question mark, either before the !, or in place of it.<BR/><BR/>Last thing: "She needed the distraction and she didn’t want to talk with Ryan anymore."<BR/><BR/>Shouldn't that be "talk ABOUT Ryan anymore?" We haven't seen her talk with him yet. Of course, if she was just talking to him in an earlier scene that we don't see, then this is fine. But it seems to me she just saw him, hasn't talked to him yet. (or within the last 15 years, anyway.)<BR/><BR/>There now, that wasn't too bad, was it? <BR/><BR/>Good for you for even attempting a novel, I keep thinking I'll start, but I never do. It's that tricky thing called "plot" that always eludes me.The Wizhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18200774436938621900noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-22351092353226283442008-11-20T09:53:00.000-07:002008-11-20T09:53:00.000-07:00I really liked it interesting I want more.....Keep...I really liked it interesting I want more.....<BR/>Keep up the good work! I really wish I could write....Blogging and Blisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13940270422070086079noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-12629667485113703032008-11-20T09:29:00.000-07:002008-11-20T09:29:00.000-07:00I didn't think bulimia either. Keep going.OH and ...I didn't think bulimia either. Keep going.<BR/><BR/>OH and I'm almost 40 and have TONS of zits. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-60669671363925934922008-11-20T09:13:00.000-07:002008-11-20T09:13:00.000-07:00Ok, Cheryl, you have me dying to know what happens...Ok, Cheryl, you have me dying to know what happens before and after. I didn't think bulemia, I really thought that it was a reaction to the guy. <BR/><BR/>Good luck getting it written!Amanda Dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04662814069840360787noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-9980827943944763882008-11-20T08:40:00.000-07:002008-11-20T08:40:00.000-07:00Yeah, okay. This isn't working very well, which is...Yeah, okay. This isn't working very well, which isn't surprising because I only gave you guys a glimpse of it, right? Live and learn...live and learn. <BR/><BR/>She's actually traumatized by running into a guy who she had just spent 15 years trying to forget --I probably should have made some kind of synopsis at the beginning...Cherylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10218614720786379961noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-20610897739052352052008-11-19T21:07:00.000-07:002008-11-19T21:07:00.000-07:00So, I totally thought bulemia at first, but then I...So, I totally thought bulemia at first, but then I hoped I was wrong.<BR/><BR/>Keep posting.Jocelynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13914081924660422629noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-74686076554651330572008-11-19T20:10:00.000-07:002008-11-19T20:10:00.000-07:00I assumed she was bulemic - I don't know why.Yes, ...I assumed she was bulemic - I don't know why.<BR/><BR/>Yes, I'm totally interested and want to know what happened before/after. Keep sharing!<BR/><BR/>Also, I have some WW questions for you - I'll email you.Rachel and Nathan Fisherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14602418963526133376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20526785.post-41699450588343925582008-11-19T19:15:00.000-07:002008-11-19T19:15:00.000-07:00Keep posting the excerpts! I want to know why Anna...Keep posting the excerpts! I want to know why Anna is throwing up. Is she pregs? Is she married? See, I NEED to know more!Jolenehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17023445148371673154noreply@blogger.com