Perchance to Dream and Halloween

I've been having some pretty messed-up crazy dreams lately. The freakiest part is how real they seem. So real, in fact, that sometimes during the day I have to sit down and ponder whether I actually had a conversation with somebody, or if I dreamt it. This morning, I woke up positively convinced that not only did I forget to send my kids to school in their Halloween costumes, but my husband was livid with me for speaking my mind towards a family member.
It was trippy.
The funny part is that I could easily forget to send my kids to school in their Halloween costumes (not that they'd let me forget) and I could easily speak my mind. All of these dreams I keep having are actually possible. They are manifestations of how I really feel inside, too, but I don't let it out because of my desire to have some form of tact and civility.
I think I may have to mention it to my psychiatrist this afternoon. Could my meds be causing the trippy dreams? I'm thinking, yes.

Speaking of dreams, here's a dream come true. I can't believe he's already 3 months old!


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Halloween Costumes:
#1: Native American Princess (she did the whole costume by herself!)
#2: Medieval Princess (although she wanted make-up like a fairy-princess)
#3: Magician (so excited to have a rabbit hiding in his hat! And thanks to m&m for the costume loan!)
#4: Darth Vader (Thank you to Liz for letting us borrow it! It's fabulous.)
#5: Puppy (again, thank you to Liz!)
Me: No idea. I'll think of something.
Brandon: Nothing. He's at school and won't be back until the whole trick-or-treating is over.

Here's a picture of the three oldest in their costumes this morning before school (and #4 in his awesome T-rex pajamas):

I'm sure I'll have awesome photos for you tomorrow night during the trunk-or-treat.

What are you gonna be for Halloween? What about your kids? Have any crazy dreams lately?

Here I Go Again!

Not knowing equals stunted brain waves.

I can't think ahead. I can't plan. And for a born-with-it planner, this is pure torture at times. Torture, I tell you!
Halloween? Easy. We'll be here.
Thanksgiving? We'll probably be here. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe.
Christmas? Ack! I have no idea!!
January? Stop it! Stop it! Get me a paper bag, I'm gonna pass out!

We could move. We could easily move to Northern California or Southern California or Seattle or...well, that's probably it. We could also stay. Easily stay.
We just don't know. You know?

Irony: I've done this two other times. This is the third. Third time's a charm, right? It's easier, right?
RIGHT!?

Michelle W. told me on the phone: So, are you gonna freak out later, since you're all calm now?
me: Nah. I'm doing good! No freak-outs from me!

Michelle W.? This is me. Freaking out. A little bit.

My life over the weekend and stuff and whatever, blah, blah, whoo-hoo...

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up.
I asked Brandon about this the other night. We were hangin' out at Velour to see Brandon's childhood/teen-hood buddy Cary Judd play (who rocks, btw!) and I asked him:

Me: Do you ever think it would be easier to just stop doing all Church stuff? Just go with the flow? Drink the coffee, skip church, you know...just give up?

B: No.

Me: You've never thought about it?

B: Nope. Church is easy.

Me: What do you mean?

B: It's easy to do Church.

Me: So, you've never felt the pull professionally to do any of those things? Go drinking with the guys or whatever?

B: Nope. Church makes it easy not to. You don't waste your money on stuff that makes you puke and wake up with a headache. You have a built-in support system. You've got guidance. It's easy.

Me: Good point.

[And just to be clear: I don't doubt my faith. Nor do I judge those who don't believe in my faith. I was being philosophical and having a deep conversation with the hubby. Okay, okay --semi-deep.]
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Three Football Games:
BYU, after beating OU and Tulane and feeling all good, was destroyed by FSU. *sniff

Provo High School lost their game to Timpview Friday night --for the 20th time in a row. Provo had won all of their games up to that point (or most of 'em) and had this star player --who was knocked out in the 1st quarter and taken to the hospital.

BYU had their homecoming game on Saturday and played against TCU. I was all despair-like as TCU kicked BYU in the head.

One Common Theme:
I was at all of those games!
I swear, I'm cursed. Or I curse football. Or something.

Although, my friend told me that her hubby has never been to a BYU or PHS game where they have won. NEVER. Not in 20 years. Now, that's cursed!
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Can you believe Mika wouldn't go down that water slide on The Amazing Race last night!? That was INSANE. I mean, I have a very good healthy fear of heights (and spiders and tight spaces and puke and we'll stop there) but Holy Cow, girl! I still can't believe she didn't do it. So sad, so very, very sad...
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We took the kids to get pumpkins tonight, and I had a great time watching them, their dad, and their grandpa carve them while I ate pizza (thanks to my FIL for the pictures):

For Brandon:

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
~James Yorke

Laid. Off.

I'd like to introduce you all to a friend I call "unemployment." He moved in yesterday.

Brandon and I knew it was coming. When they canceled his trip to Germany, he asked his boss (more or less) what project he needed to prep for after the Vodafone one (the one that took him to London all the time), and he was told "just focus on finishing up Vodafone." Then last week, lay-offs began. We added it up and figured he might be next. We saw the writing on the wall. We felt the breeze of change. We knew it was gonna happen.
And it did.
Yesterday.

Bad things:
1. No job
2. Possible move again when we find a job
3. No job

Good things:
1. Money until January
2. Health Insurance until January
3. Chance to find an awesome job
4. Still in school
5. We've done this before

Brandon and I are calm about this. Perhaps it's experience that is keeping the freak-out at bay (my freak out. Brandon doesn't tend to freak out). Maybe it's knowing we have some buffer time to find a job. It could be that Brandon rocks at treating finding a job as a job. Or it could just be that the zoloft is really, really working. Who knows? Who cares? All I know is we're being optimistic, so you should, too. Not about me, silly reader --about yourself! Be optimistic. It's possible, you know. To be optimistic.
Quite possible.

Brag About Your Kids, Please!

Today, my post is about braggin' about your kids.
I'm serious.
I want you to brag about your kids to me. Not in a condescending way, of course, but I want you to tell me why you love each of your kids (or cats, Becky!). I want to know their strengths (not weaknesses!) and I want to know why you think they rock the world.
I'll start:

#1 is fantastic because she has powerful optimism that can take on any challenge.
#2 is fabulous because her imagination is only surpassed by her ability to make us laugh.
#3 is phenomenal because his inquisitive mind leads him to find solutions and discover new things.
#4 is wonderful because his love is deep and includes everyone.
#5 is out-of-this-world because he is a ray of sunshine that has blessed all of our lives.

I adore my kids, dear reader. I know that they are a challenge at times, and I know that sometimes I hem and haw and sigh and stutter because of the hard times we have, but! They are my joy. I think Brandon would agree with me. Our kids rock!

Now tell me about yours!

Paint. In a Corner. And Other Stuff

*THANK YOU to everyone who came out of hiding and left comments on my last post. I didn't realize how many people were reading that I do not know in real life --or that I do! Love you guys. Thanks for reading!

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The problems with sharing deep emotional angst in a public way:

1. You end up painting yourself into a corner. See, you do not need advice (necessarily), but your comments are automatically construed as one who needs advice. So it comes. In droves. And in order to maintain peace and love and friendship, you feel as if you must remain silent and take it, although the inside of your head is screaming "I know! I know! I know! I'm not stupid, I'm just commenting on my current feelings! Can't I comment on my current feelings? Why is that wrong?!" Well, maybe not screaming, but you get the picture.
The worst part of it all is knowing that if you complain about people caring about you, then they will stop caring --either out of offense or spite. And why would you want them to stop caring? So, you deal with the frustration of being seen as an idiot, all the while wishing you could somehow explain yourself more clearly without insulting those who take the time to care. So there you are. In the corner.
Painted.

2. People who are reading your thoughts and comments for the first or third time don't realize that you've been through it before and have written about it in the past. And therefore, they believe that you haven't learned anything, yet, even though you have learned plenty o' stuff. This happens a lot in blogs, but also in other social-forum-places-that-makes-one-think-of-books-with-faces. But again, you don't want to insult or make them feel bad, because they are only sharing out of the goodness of their said hearts. And this is fine! But it's hard when your head is screaming (again) that you know these things --you are just expressing your frustration at your frustration because the frustrating frustrations will always be there. And will continue to be frustrating. Because this is mortality. Life is hard. And a tad frustrating.
There's that painted corner again....

But hey! Let's talk about something less frustrating! Here's some stuff:

• Alison Wonderland and I have struck up a deal: 20 minutes of exercise 4 days a week. Now, why did I tell you? Because now I don't only have to answer to her --I have to answer to all of you people, too (all 54 of ya'! Or more. I mean, I'm assuming there's only 54 since there were 54 comments on my last post... wink, wink, nudge, nudge... mom!). But since I didn't ask Alison if I could post about it, she does not have to answer to all of you. Just me. Unless she really wants to answer to more than me. Hmmm...
• I love Autumn. It's gorgeous and yummy.
• I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families and I am in love with it. Love, love, love. I also loved The Anatomy of Peace. Such good stuff!
• Although I haven't showered yet, today, I have done some laundry, nursed the baby 3 times, changed 4 diapers, got two kids ready for the day while supervising the other three, called the school to explain #2's school absence (flu is in our home), made 2 meals (okay, one was cold cereal), raked some leaves, supervised some play time, wrote 2 blog posts for work, chatted on Facebook, did the dishes, swept the floor, practiced the piano (for choir), listened to my first-grader read, snuck some Halloween candy, found #4's toys, replied to a few emails (only 500 to go), read a chapter in the 7 Habits book, picked up some garbage, checked on the kids, and wrote this blog post.
• Although Brandon did not go to Germany, it turns out that he needs to be "available" during the work-hours in Germany. This means he's up at 2AM. Needless to say he is now sleeping (it's 3PM) and we are both wondering: "Wouldn't going to Germany have been easier?!"
• In full disclosure, I have to tell you that I'm so excited about The Biggest Loser (holy cow, can you believe they sent home Coach Mo last week and not Tracey!?!?) and The Amazing Race. They both make me want to fulfill my life-long dreams of traveling the world and hiring a personal trainer. At the same time. Just kidding. Okay, not really kidding.

That is all. For now. And maybe later. But not later-later...

Lurkers Unite! (and de-lurk)

My first official de-lurking day is today! (and the rest of the weekend). And it truly is my first; I don't think I've had one in four years.

What does this mean? Well, if you read my blog, then you need to leave a comment. Yes! Even if you read my blog only occasionally or if you read my blog every day, I want to hear from you. It's nice to know who's reading. So, leave a comment with the following:

1. How did you find my blog?
2. How long have you been reading it?
3. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

That is all! And if you lurk and don't comment, then you'll be breaking the rules. Which is fine, I guess, because how the heck would I know you read and didn't comment? I don't read my analytics very often, so you'd be safe. But still, I might cry if I see only 3 comments. Maybe not. Who knows. The zoloft is working, so I probably will be fine with it!

Letters, Brandon's Job, and Stewart Falls!

Go and read this blog. It's called Letters, and it is one of my favorites! Why?

• The women writing the letters happen to be two of my very favorite people in the whole entire world.
• The historical genre in which they write is one I greatly enjoy.
• It's a novel in progress --one that I would buy.
• It's a great way to pass the time when one does not want to do other things.
• But most of all, I love it because I love the characters! I can't wait to read the next letter because I want to know what's going to happen next.

So go and read it and thank me later! Oh, and just fyi, you should start here and work your way backwards through the archives --or forwards? That's what I meant --start at the beginning.
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For those of you who have been wondering why Brandon goes to England a lot for work, click here. That's what he's been doing (he's on the EMC/Decho side, working with Vodafone). Isn't that cool?
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Saturday was a serendipitous day for me.
We had Brandon home, so we decided to spend the day together as much as we could (as a family). And what do we do when we have time to hang out as a family?
We hike!
We decided last minute (like 9AM) to take the kids up to Aspen Grove. We only had 3 hours in which to drive up there, hike Stewart Falls, eat something, and drive back because #3 had a birthday party to get to. Talk about pressure! We hiked so fast, I was sore for the next...well...I'm still sore. But hey, it was totally worth it. Just take a look at these photos!


The kids were such troopers. I loved the air, the sun, and the quiet. It was so lovely!
Oh, but the serendipitous part?
Well, for one, I have hiked to Stewart Falls about 50 times. Each week for two summers (1999 and 2000) I hiked to Stewart Falls with 20-30 seven and eight year old kids. However, I don't remember ever taking my own kids. Isn't that crazy? Maybe I did and I just don't remember. But anyway, that was fun. The craziest part, though?
Running into April.
Just as we arrived at the bottom of Stewart Falls from the Aspen Grove trail, another adorable family arrived from the Sundance trail. I immediately recognized April (although I know it took her a few seconds longer to remember me). She and I met as freshman at BYU (and dated the same guy, and went on a road trip to Idaho together, but I digress), but we haven't seen each other since then. Holy cow! What are the chances that we would meet up at Stewart Falls at the same time? Especially since we (meaning my family) almost didn't hike it due to time constraints?
Love the irony. Or whatever it was. Here we are:


How was your weekend? Do anything fun? Not fun? Kinda fun? Did you run into friends from years' past?

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Brandon is not going to Germany! The 17 day-long widowhood will not happen! He only has two weekends of classes, but he'll be here in between!

And the peasants rejoiced.

Thoughts for Friday

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Nope, not a joke.

Look, he may be a great man and a good president (jury's still out on that one, though), but the Nobel Peace Prize?? What the heck has he DONE to get it? The only thing I've seen is a divided nation against his policies and ideas.

I'm so confused...

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Hey, look! It's me! With my new nephew! And it's a picture of me that doesn't make me run in horror!

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I just finished reading Kathryn Lynard Soper's book, "The Year My Son and I Were Born" and it was fabulous. Amazing, really. I loved it, and you will too! I promise you will. Especially if you are a mother (which makes sense, since it's about a mother and her son). Seriously, go buy it. Read it. Thank me later. And if you've already read it, tell me what you loved about it...

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Date night tonight! Huzzah!

Hey, so do you do date night with your hubby? Yes? No? If you do, what is a common thing you guys do? How often do you go out together? I like our routine, but it wouldn't hurt to have more ideas...

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Nie Nie was on Oprah the other day, and although I missed it, I watched this video about her. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Seriously, it is women like this that make me realize that my life is freakin' awesome. Sure, I have struggles, and sure I have demons, but honestly? Who doesn't?

I'm betting you do, too.

Right?

Psychiatrist Experience

Psychiatrists are not scary. Nor are they weird. Or old. Well, I'm sure some of them are old, but mine is not. I did comment to a friend that it was strange speaking to a "wise doctor" who was probably my age. Although he could have a been a few years older, but honestly, guys my age can be doctors now! Not only can they be doctors, but they can be doctors who have been practicing (as in "graduated") for a while, too. For several years, in fact!
Maybe I'm just the one gettin' old.

Anyway, I went to see my psychiatrist on Friday. We spoke for almost an hour and we went over my entire health history: physical, mental, emotional, etc. We focused on the mental (go figure) and after he described Depression in detail, I was relieved to see that Yep! I've got it! Why? Because it was something finally real. It was no longer the self-diagnosed problems I tried to cure with exercise and diet (although those are very good things and I'm actually under orders to figure out a way to fit exercise into my life even though I have absolutely no time to fit exercise into my life but I better do it because it's doctor's orders! Head doctor, yes, but doctor none the less); this was the real deal. I have Depression.
And it's NOT post-partum depression.
Wha!?
Nope. I have the real thing. The "lasts longer than a few weeks (more like months) and didn't truly go away during pregnancy or after-birth or before-birth or with therapy or without therapy even though I did have periods of happiness, because that's what Depression does; it ebbs and flows but sticks around and gets worse until you are wallowing in it all the time and thus the need to get some help before it sucks you into the vortex of never-ending hopelessness."
I've got it.

So...anyway...I'm already on Zoloft. I started out at 25mg with a prescription my midwife gave me about a month ago. It wasn't doin' too much (although some frustration and/or anger subsided), so with her permission, I upped it to 50mg after 2 weeks. My shrink (and fyi --I say "shrink" with love and respect) thinks I should stay on 50mg for a month and then go back to see him, marking my progress or my non-progress along the way. That's where I am.
Exciting, ain't it?

Here's something REALLY cool, though. My awesome buddy m&m gave me a book last night (well, technically, she gave me about 9 books, hooray!), and one of them was by Michael McLean. You know the guy --he writes all those churchy songs that make us cry. Anyway, his book is called Hold On, the Light Will Come: And Other Lessons My Songs Have Taught Me and in it was a song he has never written down or published, but these are the words (they made me laugh and then cry. See? Told you he makes people cry. Even the ones who make fun of him in public but secretly listen to his music in private --don't try to deny it!):

"Something's Broken In My Brain and Only Pills Can Fix It"

Something's broken in my brain
And only pills can fix it.
I fought this thing for years in vain,
Believing I could lick it.
I tried and failed and felt so weak;
It made me quite the cynic.
And then I heard the heavens speak:
"Mike, get thee to a clinic."
I thought that meant the clinic
For my own immortal soul,
So I trudged down to a church to wait
For God to make me whole.
Then something happened then and there
That came as quite a shocker:
I heard the voice of God say, "Mike,
I meant get thee to a doctor."
"But you're the God of heaven and earth,
My King, my Lord, my Master.
Why not just heal me here and now?
It's cheaper and it's faster."
He paused so long I thought He'd gone,
And then, in all His glory,
He shared an insight that will be
The moral of my story.
He said, "I whispered to some scientists who couldn't see
The one who guided their research was none other than me.
You see, I know you wonder
If I hear prayers when you say them.
Well, I've heard all your cries for help
Long before you pray them."

Here's to pills!
Up next --Therapy. As in, I need to get that therapist, stat, not that my next post will be about therapists...

It's Monday. I am Random.

I am an Aunt!

Well, I've been an aunt for a while now, but that's just my way of saying that my sister delivered a healthy (although full of amniotic fluid) boy on Friday. He's so cute! Now she has three boys like me. Hey, dear sister, you wanna have two girls next? Just to even it out?

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Brandon is HOME! Well, for a little while, anyway. He might have to go to Seattle for a few days this week, and next weekend (the 15th? or something?) he's going to school, Germany, and then school.
But for now, he is HOME!

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General Conference rocked my world. From Elder Bednar's awesomeness to Elder Holland's pulpit-pounding to President Monson's temple announcing, I was edified, chastised, and overcome with goodness in my heart. I adore General Conference. The only problem I have with it is that it's so much information in such a little time! Kind of like the Temple endowment. Which, of course, means we go back and go over it again. And again. And again...
Can't wait for the November Ensign!

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It's cold now. I think I will break out my Autumn decorations today. What do you think?

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I met my cousin's wife last night at an open house. She is super cool and her wedding gown was fabulous (I totally notice wedding gowns now-a-days. Figures.).

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Two of our boys are home! I've probably told you this before, but years ago, Brandon worked with the Deacons (for 5 years). There were 3 deacons that kind of became our "boys" and would hang out at our house all the time. This continued until we moved to California. Even then, two of them flew out to visit us for a week! And then all three of them went on missions.
Well, Isaac came home in August and Bruce came home last week. Eric doesn't get home until May, but let me tell you how OLD I feel, looking at these boys. I remember them as children, and now they are RM's and one of them is already engaged! (She waited for him.) Isn't that just crazy!?

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Let's see --any more random and useless info you would like to know? No? Well, I'll let you know how the psychiatrist appointment went...
...tomorrow.
And I think I have myself a good General Conference post brewing, too. But for now, what's the random stuff going on in your life? Care to share?

In My Head Tonight

The cat is sitting on my lap as I type; it's strangely comforting. I say strangely because I usually don't let him sit on my lap because of my allergies. He misses Brandon, though, and so do I. So, we're comforting each other.
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My sister is being induced tomorrow. She is a few days over her due date and has never had to be induced before. Of course, she could always go into labor tonight...but it's nice to know her son will be born by tomorrow. It's her third boy and I can't wait to see him!
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Today I took the day off. I didn't do much. Taught a piano lesson here and there, did carpool, fed the kids, changed diapers, supervised homework, etc. That's about it. I stayed in my pajamas and I watched TV (doh!) and ate some cookies. I shouldn't feel guilty (since I need a day off every once in a while) but tomorrow I'm having some guests, and Brandon comes home Saturday night and the house is right mess. Disgusting, really. But I do this, you know. I save all the housecleaning and laundry for one day of the week for some reason. Why do I do this? I have no idea. But the kids have already been warned --tomorrow is chore day! Which lines up nicely since it's early-out day at school.
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Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with a psychiatrist. So far the Zoloft seems to be working, but I want to make sure I'm doing what I should be doing (plus get a few therapist referrals!). I'm a tad nervous, though. I need to take the baby, but I'm hoping he won't need to nurse while I'm there. I'm also nervous that I'll break down and treat the psychiatrist like a therapist, which probably won't help. I don't know.
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Did you know it was 90 degrees on Tuesday, and then Wednesday morning we woke up to a high of 45 degrees? The snow does look pretty in the mountains, but I'm not ready for winter. Not yet! Autumn just arrived!
Sigh. I hate Utah weather.
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I still haven't been able to figure out my schedule. I don't know how to fit in exercise or work or callings or kids or whatever else I need to do without completely stressing myself out. So, I'm taking it more slowly, and focusing on the important things like nursing the baby. And taking a shower most days. I want to be better at the chores and the house and myself, but I realize that right now my focus really needs to be on getting better and taking care of my children. This means --for now --that it's okay to take days like today; it's okay to say no to things.
Right?
I mean, I keep telling myself it's okay, but myself isn't really buying it.
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I fell in love with my husband again last night. Although he was in London and I was here and we were simply chatting over gmail, I felt so close to him. The funny part is we were just chatting about a possible school class for him to take, and talking about opportunities that would actually make him busier --but for me, it was proof that we were meant to be together, and it was awesome! Simply awesome.