To Come

Today #3 started Kindergarten. His favorite parts: Apple Juice and Playground Time.

Yesterday, we blessed #5 in Sacrament Meeting. Memorable parts: No Microphone and Finding Blessing Pictures of #4 on the Camera.

Saturday we had a successful day of hanging curtains, fixing faucets, comforting friends, welcoming family, and going to Mozy's work party. Highlights: What I Just Listed.

This week:
Roomie reunion, work meeting, piano lessons begin, possible trip up north.

Pictures to come!
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Love and Gratitude to you, dear reader! I'm grateful for amazing friends and family that truly care about my well-being and my emotional health. It means the world to me. Brandon and I have also been contacted by some more family and friends who have offered their support and advice, and we spent a long time this last weekend discussing the possible routes for me to take. We've made some decisions, but I won't discuss them quite yet --I'll let you know about most of it at a later time.
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Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.

~Emily Dickinson

Work

I work, dear reader. I'm a worker.

I do mother-work (clean, bathe, wash, fix, kiss, tidy, yell, cook, protect).
I also do music-work (piano lessons, performances).
Then I do Edit/Writing/Scheduling work (Mormon Women) and Online Marketing work (Avenia Bridal).
I also have Church work (accompanying the choir and editing the neighborhood newsletter).

I also work at keeping my chin up when I'm smacked in the head with another bout of Post Partum Depression. "Oh, no!" says I. "I don't have PPD this time. Nope. I'm fine. Everything is going well!"

I bristle at the continuous inquiries about my mental and emotional state. "Why doesn't anyone believe me? I'm fine! Don't I look happy? My baby sleeps well, eats well, and cries very little. My body has recovered at record speed, I have energy, and I'm happily focusing on my children. I've started chore charts, the laundry usually gets done, and the house is not covered in mold. I support my husband in his work, his school, and his callings. See? I'm happy. HAPPY. I'M HAPPY, DANG IT!"

And yet, I'm not.

I'm not.

I want to be. I remember how it felt. I even do things that resemble happiness. But the cloud/pit/suffocating mud of Depression has drenched everything in it's filth. Fingerprints are everywhere, reminding me that I am sad. Not happy. Un-joyful.

Reason I'm unhappy:
Depression

Triggers:
Loneliness, high-stress, self-image problems, putting too much importance upon the validation of others, loneliness, not meeting self-imposed-goals of mothering and wifering, longing for something I shouldn't long for (i.e. Freedom to Do Free Things), loneliness.

Antidote:
Vitamins, exercise, water, friends, support, service, hormonal birth control, maybe medication.

Where to start:
Vitamins, exercise, water, friends, support, service, hormonal birth control.

Oh, and work. Working at exercising, eating right, taking vitamins. Working at accepting help from friends, not ignoring phone calls, being honest. Work at serving others.

Because that's what I do. I work.

I work hard.

Pictures and Stuff

Note self: Baby does not like Thai food. Or chocolate.

What the heck am I gonna eat!?!?

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#3 turned 5 years old on August 9th. Holy cow, can you believe it!? FIVE. The big boy starts Kindergarten next week (listen for the "BYU" in the video):

#5 is growing and growing. The chunky monkey is too adorable! He smiled his first non-gas smile at 3 weeks old (last Tuesday). Can you believe it's already been 4 weeks?

First day of school! The girls started last Wednesday. I'm still reeling over the fact that I have one in third grade and one in first grade. They all grow up so fast! And yes, my kids pick out their own clothes (and I love it!):

Again and Again and...

Get up and shower. Eat breakfast, feed baby, take vitamins, do hair. Kiss husband, send girls to school, dress boys, beds made. Change laundry, do dishes, supervise sibling rivalries. Pay bills, find shoes, change diapers, run errands. Feed baby, answer phone, attend meeting. Make lunch, supervise homework (early out all week), change laundry, fold laundry, sweep, check email. Answer phone, threaten groundings, wipe off table. Feed baby, change diapers, rock baby, think of dinner. Apply groundings, listen to readings, make dinner, endure whining. Kiss husband, feed family, supervise clean-up and other chores. Feed baby, change diapers; pajamas and scriptures and teeth and prayers. Lots of kisses, good-night, go online. Edit, upload, write, edit, pray computer keeps working. Feed baby, kiss husband, go to bed.
Sleep.
Feed baby.
Sleep.
Feed baby.
Sleep for a little...

Repeat.
More or less.

Nearly three years ago, I started this blog with only three children, not many hobbies, very little ambition, and a few piano students. My husband had a good job, we had no desire to move, and we were content, just slightly busy, and had no idea what stress truly felt like.

Now, here I am. We have moved twice, had two more children, and Brandon is not only in school, but working full time as well. I have had to cut down my piano students from 17 to 6, I have two other large jobs (one paid, one not), two callings, lots of ambition to socialize, and a need for voracious reading. I have grand desires for gardens, novels, and flawless chore charts. I fiddle with my music and prose; but really pray for sleep. I do not resent napless days, but I do dream of flawless moments. I muddle and mull...I keep it together. My expectations are simple, and yet I still have no time. I search for it daily --looking under piles of cereal, wet sheets, hurried day-dreams, and ouchies. I stare at my older face, and surprise myself by not recoiling when I find 6 long gray hairs on the top of my head.

I wonder when I grew old. I think of when I was 14 years old; so young, so clueless --wishing my youth away, wondering when I would accomplish all I wanted to accomplish. Worrying over clothes and boys and mascara; not realizing that in 16 years, I would still worry about clothes, my boys, and mascara. When did time add bills, cars, books, blog design, money, intimacy, the salvation of children? Staring at young eyes with older skin, I feel the same. I have not changed --desires for accomplishment, organization, validation, love, hope, laughter, joy --I am the same. I am Fourteen-Forever. Only experience has changed my views; my accomplishments are less, my organization is refined, my validation is deeper, my lovehopelaughterjoy is found in smaller places. Moments are captured and held longer, and there is no frustration at compassion. I weep more. I think longer. I capture momentum, and push it longer than exhaustion.

My days are long; my nights are short. I carry on, for stopping creates more. More of more. When I wake, I see the trees, the sun, the shortness of night. I wonder, I ponder --I stroke the dreams lingering from the impossible until the whimpering waking reflex takes over; I begin again.

And again...

And again...

Some Things

1. I have a post up at Mormon Women. Go read!

2. Brandon fixed my computer!! No need for a new one, hooray, hooray, hooray!

3. We had our hike all planned yesterday, but the thunderstorms stopped us. It was one of the very few times I have been sad to see it rain. Le sigh. However! This morning, the sky is a piercing blue --cleansed from the rain. It's gorgeous, gorgeous.

Have a fabulous Sunday!

Random Stuff: No Computer Edition

Gorgeous Baby Boy #5 weighed 9 pounds 11 oz at his two week appointment. His head was 38 cm, and his length was 22 inches. Ironically, those were the birth stats of #3!

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I can't wait for school to start. I'm going CRAZY with all the kids at home. The fighting, the boredom, and the intense dislike for chores are all pushing me over the edge. The sad part is that even though school starts for the girls next week, it's only half-days the first week. Then, #2 only goes half-days for another week-and-a-half. And then! Kindergarten doesn't start for #3 until the 31st.

Tell me, people, why the heck they can't just all start school on the same day and go the regular time? Huh!? How is this helpful? Yeah, yeah, so the teachers need it or something... except my mother (who is a teacher) doesn't get it, either.

Okay. Whining done.

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The computer continues to be broken. Luckily, I get to borrow a laptop next week; and maybe by then we'll even have a new computer. Maybe. In the meantime, I'm trying not to wander around the house like a zombie. Sure, my computer time has already been drastically reduced due to the death of my laptop and the birth of my baby, but I need some kind of outlet! Connection with the world! A way to express myself through the written word, and enjoy adult interaction without whining (well, maybe MY kind of whining)! Plus, it doesn't help that I have responsibilities, you know. Like editing/scheduling Mormon Women content. Or start blogging for Avenia. Or writing the bi-weekly Neighborhood Newsletter (due out next week).

It's been hard, dear reader. Very hard.

In fact, yesterday, I felt lost. So lost. I didn't want to clean the house again. I didn't want to take the kids to the park or the library (again). I wanted to write! But my hand cramped up just writing up chores for the new chore charts. And so I sat on the couch and watched Little Dorrit instead.

[That movie, btw, rocks! Dickens is a genius. Plus Matthew Macfadyen is much more believable as Arthur Clennam than Mr. Darcy. Sorry! Just sayin'...]

But don't pity me, dear reader! Just relish in your own abilities to turn on your computers and read all the drivel out there.

You know. Like mine.

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I wanna go hiking. Like, really bad. My body is screaming out for exercise; and yet I'm still supposed to "take it easy" for a few more weeks. I don't want to push myself too hard, but the memories of my awesome muscle-toned body are beckoning to me.

And yes, I had a muscle-toned body once! I did! I had it before I got pregnant with #5 (thus the reason, I am sure, that I've healed so quickly this time, and that birth went so well. I'm absolutely positive of it). I had it, and I want it back.

But to get started again? Oh, that's the rub, dear reader, trying to find where to start.

So, I think I should start by hiking Stewart Falls! You know, I have hiked Stewart Falls more than 40 times --usually with 20-40 seven and eight year olds in tow, too. Ask me to tell you about that later (unless you've already heard it a million times...). And what this has to do with anything, I do not know...

Hey, wanna go hiking with me?

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So, dear reader, how are you? Anything new going on? Tell me about it. When does school start for your kids? Or for yourself? How is your job? Your calling? Gimme something to read when I get back online...tomorrow...or next week...or whenever I can...

You have GOT to be kidding me...

So, a few months ago, my laptop died. Completely dead. Dead-dead.

Well, guess what, dear reader? Guess what happened just a few short days after Brandon installed some fabulous new software on our desktop in the office downstairs? Guess! Can you guess? Can you guess what happened to me because I am jinxed beyond all things jinx-able!?!?

Our hard drive crashed. Crashed and burned. May not be salvageable. Yeah, yeah, we've got Mozy, and so our stuff is safe --but that doesn't help me read email. Or blog. Or do Mormon Women. Or do my JOB (I blog for a bridal boutique).

So, yeah. That's me. My life. Checkin' email now from Brandon's Mac --once a day (maybe twice if I'm quick) since he has to use it for work. We only have one computer now --yep, and it's the Mac.

Isn't that just lovely?

My Family

So, I wrote this post about my family who was here a couple of weeks ago. I thought I would share the photo we took that day:

I told my mom that I thought it was silly to take a picture of us two days before I gave birth (and two months before my sister gives birth). But she wasn't sure when all of us would be in the same room again. Christmas? Maybe. There's no guarantee --and thus the picture.

I'm glad we did it, now. Sure, it's already outdated, but it's fun to see how much we've grown. In fact, here's a little historical gem for ya' to see how far we've come (I'm the oldest in the bob):

Gratitude and Self-Analyzation (again)

It's been nine days, and I feel as if #5 has been a part of our family for decades. Without effort, he's become immersed in the routine; he fits perfectly.

And our routine, dear reader, is as busy as ever.

Super long story short: My kids have been taking private swimming lessons this week from my SIL's mother at her home starting at 8:15AM (they are 15 minute private lessons). This means every morning, I have been up by 7AM (regardless of the previous night of nursing), showered and dressed, with the kids ready for swimming and out the door by 8AM.

Irony? I'm LOVING it.

I'm a morning person by nature --yes, I know, it's not fair, and it's weird, etc. --and so being up at out of the house by 8AM feels amazing. And having a shower every day? Holy cow, it feels fabulous--I may have to do it every day!

Don't tell.

Now, of course, I could not have done this without a part of my life I have tried so hard not to feel guilty about: my easy recovery from childbirth. Oh, and a good baby. See, all five of my children have been good nursers and sleepers. All five childbirth recoveries have been good --in fact, each one has progressively gone faster and gotten easier.

Why the guilt: I know this is not really fair all around. Childbirth itself is not cake for everyone, and many have complications --not to mention the recovery period. Most women have at least one colicky baby --I have never had one. Most women find the adjustment difficult, and just the idea of waking up by 7AM and showering, let alone taking all five kids to swimming lessons thereafter, is absurd and/or terrifying or in the very least, not even plausible. And I get that. I do. I know it's not the same for everyone. Or easy for everyone. Nor do I believe it should be. Although I would love to grant the easiness of this to every woman... although that might defeat the whole "every one's trials are different" thing, seeing as we're supposed to learn from our trials and all that jazz and whatnot...but anyway, you know what I mean, right?

So, I have some guilt. Just enough to realize I'm amazingly blessed/lucky, though. Frankly, dear reader, my gratitude knows no bounds. But at the same time, I'm not going to let the guilt stop me from continuing to enjoy this new stage of my life. In fact, here's a list of some things I've been able to do in the last nine days since giving birth:

*The swimming lessons thing

*Going to the store (with just 3 of the kids, though)

*Walking to the school/park with the kids (and walking back)

*Going to Enrichment last night

*Doing 6 loads of laundry/dishes each day/sweeping/bathrooms/floors/blah/etc.

*Helping Brandon clean the laundry room and install our h/e washer/dryer set that has been sitting in our carport for over a year

*All that other stuff I have to do every day (nursing, diapers, kids, meals, etc.).

Although, meals have been brought in every day this week, and holy cow, has that been awesome!

OOH! Which reminds me! I think most of this easy recovery is due to the fact that I had been so healthy when I got pregnant, and then continued to stay active, eat well, and drink a lot of water (although I know other factors weighed into it). In fact, instead of staring down 40 pounds to lose, it's less than 20 now. I'm so happy about this...!

Anyway, my conclusion is thus --oh, wait. I have no conclusion. I'm just happy and grateful things are going well.

P.S. Apologies to those of you who have to wait forever for me to reply to Facebook, email, and blogging messages. This is the one part of my life I haven't been able to squeeze back in --at least not in the way I would like to. I know I shouldn't have to apologize for it, but I am very much like Elizabeth Bennett, you know --I can't stand the thought of my friends out in the world thinking ill of me. It's true! Thus that Plato quote up there on the right --you know up there on my sidebar? I have it there for me, dear reader...

Pictures!!