Christmas and Snow Belong Together. Like Chocolate and Cheryl.

This winter has me wiggin' out. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I'm discovering new things about myself I never thought about before (or did, but forgot. Yeah, probably that one.):

1. I'm liking the snow. It's true! We've got some feet out there (how many? Not sure) and it's still snowing hard. The kids and their father are (right now) building snowmen and forts and having a great time (#4 is sleeping and I'm blogging in front of the toasty fireplace). Wait! Maybe that's it. I'm inside. Although I did venture outside to take pictures. Oh, but no! That can't be it, because this morning, I took the kids to the library AND grocery shopping, and the snow was awful! Terrible, awful traffic, and icy/slushy/snowy roads. And I loved it.
What is wrong with me?!
(I wrote the previous almost an hour ago. The kids are now inside drinking hot chocolate and will soon be enjoying a Christmas movie of some kind. And now I will post pictures of their outdoor adventures...)


2. Because of some financial restraints this year, Brandon and I scaled waaaaaaaay back. No neighbor gifts, no Christmas cards/letters (I did it via email instead), and fewer gifts (much, much fewer). This has freed me up with time to watch movies, read stories, go to Christmas gatherings, fill the house with music, and focus on Christmas Eve (we're having lots of family over). It's also given me a chance to think about our trip to California (we leave Friday!) and our trip to London (woot!). I'm loving it! I have a feeling we could be onto something, you know. Perhaps we'll scale back every year now.

3. I'm happiest when I'm busiest. I knew this one, though. I wrote about it a year ago, too. I think. I can't remember now. But anyway, Saturday was our busiest day. We cleaned the whole house, did laundry, bought the kids boots, made and decorated Christmas cookies,

had dinner, bathed the kids, watched BYU lose (both basketball AND the football games. *sniff), and finally hit the sack. Sunday was just as busy with the Christmas program (I accompanied the choir), delivering some cookies to the kids' primary teachers, watching a movie together (man, I love White Christmas!) and then heading out to Eagle Mountain for Advent with some cousins. And you already know what I did today.
See?
Busy!
And I'm happier right now than I was all of last week. The irony is that I'm "less stressed" and "busy" at the same time.
How is this possible? I have no idea. I just know it's working.

Now, I think I'll be signing off until next week. Or next year. In the meantime, have yourself a Fabulous Christmas! Before I go, though, I want to give you some awesome Christmas Cheer. Here is the Thought of the Week I wrote for the Neighborhood Newsletter I edit (one of my callings):

Whenever I think about the Christmas Season, my first thoughts turn to
lights, music, gingerbread, presents, concerts, snow, mittens, icicles, holly,
evergreens, mis-matched tree ornaments, waiting for Santa Claus, hot chocolate,
and fireplaces. I have a feeling these images are created in most minds —the
"hullabaloo" of Christmas is something most of us face. Our memories are riddled
with the commercialization of the holiday, and for whatever reason, we see the
month of December as one of stress and chaos. But are these images wrong? Could
it be possible to recognize and celebrate, in quiet contemplation, the birth of
our Savior while participating actively in all of the hullabaloo? The author
E.B. White (1899-1985) once said: To perceive Christmas through its wrapping
becomes more difficult with every year.
Is it difficult to see Christ in Christmas when focused on the wrapping?
Perhaps. But contrary to popular belief, I don't believe these thoughts push out
the "true meaning" of Christmas. Instead, they evoke a feeling of love, service,
excitement, childhood faith, and a longing for peace. It is true that there are
times, amidst all the wrapping of gifts, the baking of goodies, and the
stringing of lights when our anger, frustration, and exhaustion catch up with
us. We wonder if any of the traditions are even worth it! How could these
details possibly remind us of the Infant Jesus? How does it remind us of His
life and mission? But it only takes a moment to see the hidden treasures inside
of the stress and chaos. For example: We stress over service, but laugh with joy
at a gift given. We worry over a performance, but rejoice with an evening of
spectacular music. We sacrifice time to decorate and bake, but we are surrounded
by family and friends, enjoying the symbols of love and peace (and eating good
food!).
For many, truly celebrating the birth of Christ would mean moments of quiet
reflection. It would mean focus upon what the birth of a Savior did for us,
without the wrappings of the season. This is good! But with that focus, let's
not forget the reason for our family traditions, our desire for concerts,
parties, gifts, decorations, and food. With all of it comes a unity and a desire
to be better than we are —and isn't this what the Christmas Season is all
about? I can understand people simply fleeing the mountainous effort
Christmas has become… but there are always a few saving graces and finally they
make up for all the bother and distress. - May Sarton
(1912-1995)
~The Editor

Also, go to this link HERE to read about how we can focus on Christ during the holiday season and share your own thoughts and ideas.

Lastly, here are some great Christmas videos for your enjoyment:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Blah, Blah, Blah...oh, and Merry Christmas!

I haven't been in the blogging mood as of late; I mean, I've been commenting and reading, but not writing. And the few comments I've been making are lousy and make no sense. Which shows that I probably need a break or a change or maybe a new brain.

And speaking of brains, have you noticed how children suck away all of your brain cells? At least the ones that prove you are an intelligent being capable of doing more than dishes? I find it crazy (and depressingly ironic) that I can remember every detail of my children's lives, anticipate their every need, and multi-task like Angelina Jolie's nannies, but ask me to have an intelligent conversation? Write a novel? Come up with a good "thought of the week" for the bi-monthly neighborhood newsletter? and I fizzle. I often roll into the fetal position and curse the day I claimed I was more than a mother.
But it passes. And I always go back to illusions of grandeur. Don't we all?

And speaking of illusions, how many of you have finished your Christmas preparations? Yeah, me neither. This was the simplified year, too! What makes me crazy is I have many things to think about that don't even have anything to do with Christmas. For example, here's a list of non-Christmas things to think about:
*Do I pack on Christmas Eve for our CA trip or do I wait until Christmas Day? And if I wait, how much laundry will I be doing while Santa is out delivering presents?
*Which evening do we spend with my aunt and uncle that won't take away time from the in-laws? And how do I choose without screwing with everyone's schedules?
*I have to change almost all of my piano lessons starting in January. Mondays are now open so I don't have to teach Fridays; but therapy is going to be on Wednesdays, which means I need to switch a few of those lessons, but that's okay because I could teach on Fridays if I wanted to, but will parents freak out that I'm changing lessons around kind of last minute? and oh! I'm going to be gone for TWO Mondays because of the London trip next month...maybe screw the Mondays altogether and just keep it as it is?

And here's the Christmas list:
*Gifts
*Gifts
*More gifts
*Wrap gifts

Speaking of Christmas, it snowed again yesterday. We got about 5 inches? 4? I have no idea because my ability to estimate is non-existent. All I know is that when #1, #4 and I dropped off #2 and #3 at a friend's house on our way to the dentist (yesterday morning), it took us about 20 minutes to drive less than 4 miles. After two hours worth of cleanings (shout-out to Annette --we loved the dentist!), we walked out to our completely covered van, and it took us another 20 minutes to go the same distance. We saw a few accidents, but not many, and I was very grateful for the all-wheel drive on our mini-van. And learning to drive a car during the winter of 1994-1995. Way to go, Idaho! Your winters have prepared me thus...

And speaking of being prepared, did you want to know how my therapy went? Yeah, it has nothing to do with preparedness. I just wasn't sure how to segway into the therapy part without just changing subject abruptly, which is what I ended up doing. (Is this post over, yet!?)
So, yeah. Therapy. It was good! She was great and I could tell she knew what she was doing. Turns out we know some of the same people and she understands where I'm coming from. So, we'll see how it goes. It's too soon to know if it's gonna help long-term, but it's definitely a start. Thus my desire to change piano lessons around for therapy sessions. I think it's that important. I'm important, right?

And speaking of importance, have you noticed how fine a line there is between arrogance and confidence? I have met my share of people who I thought --at first --were arrogant, but they turned out to be compassionate and confident. At the same time, I've seen assumed confidence rear it's ugly arrogant head. The worst part is when somebody keeps switching between both and you just never know where you stand. The other worst part is that I honestly have no idea who I'm talking about because that continues to change, too. I'm sure I used to know once upon a time...somewhere in the not-so-distant past...but alas, the knowledge has escaped me because of the children. They stole my brain cells, you know. And I love that I can blame the children. Blaming the children is awesome!
Have you noticed how you can blame the children for almost anything?
"I'm sorry I'm running late...little Jr. puked on the floor."
"I'm sorry, I can't do that big service project because I have four children under the age of 7."
"Maybe next time; I can't because the baby is napping."
"I tend to forget these things because my children took all my brain cells with them when they were born."
"Little Suzie-Q is sick and so I have to sit around in my own pajamas all day reading books and watching movies."
"Now I'm sick, and it's the children's fault."
"Sorry I missed your incredibly boring lesson today; the baby was so fussy I had to take him out in the hallway!"
"My kitchen is a mess because I have small children and not because I'm a lazy freak."
"I wish I could help you move, but what would I do with all these children?"
See? Blaming the kids rocks. Not that I have EVER done it before. Never. Never! Ahem...what is that over there??

And now, dear reader, I think I can honestly say that this post has been my strangest and least organized of all posts from the last 3 years. And I'm not even editing. Who knew I could move into such uncharted territory? All it took was boredom, stress, and laziness. With some effort, I'm sure you could do it, too!

Well, since I might not be around next week (with it being Christmas and all, although I might do a nice "reason for the season" post on Christmas Eve) or the next week (what with us traveling to a place we were hoping didn't have snow, but now, who knows?!), I hope you, dear reader, have a fabulous Christmas! Don't stress out too much, eat lots of good food, enjoy all the gift opening, and don't forget the music. Christmas isn't Christmas without music!

The End. For now. Or later.

No Blog Post Title Seems Worthy of This Drivel

*We went to THIS on Saturday night. It was awesome!

*Tonight I start therapy! (And there was much rejoicing...)

* I read Steph's post this morning (read it here) and I suddenly realized I'm married to the greatest man in the world. Now if I can just show him that instead of constantly whining when he's not reading my mind...

*I made an a** of myself over at BCC yesterday, but it's all good. For the first time in a long time, the embarrassment was fleeting. I'm not sure why I tried to take on the big dogs; I guess I haven't done it for so long I just felt the need for random argument? Plus I actually believed in what I was saying. However, that doesn't help much when you come off sounding like an idiot and the post's author treats you as such. Ah, well...

*Most of the snow we got yesterday melted by dinnertime. Not all of it, just some; I didn't end up having to shovel walks after all!

*Last night the YW in our ward had a service project; they watched kids in the ward for free for up to four hours so parents could Christmas shop or wrap gifts. I took the kids over for 2 hours and got all the wrapping done. Hallelujah!

*I still have a lot of shopping to get done, but I don't think it will be too bad. Of course, this is all dependent upon my ability to get off of my rear end and do something productive around here. Sigh...

P.S. My friend sent me this. I figured all you P&P fans would like it. :)

Snow!

Technically, it's already snowed this year, but nothin' like this!
There was much rejoicing in my home this morning when we saw the snow. That is, until we realized the kids have no snow boots (looks like we'll be going shopping this afternoon!), and Brandon had to shovel the driveway and sidewalks (which are covered again already; looks like I'll be shoveling here, soon!). Ah, well. Luckily, we already have a carpool, so #1 and #2 didn't have to walk to school in the snow (and I didn't have to drive!).
To be perfectly honest, I know I'd rather be in California right now with cold rain, but the snow is gorgeous. And it's Christmastime! Snow and Christmas go together, so I probably won't complain about the snow until January. Unfortunately, the snow around here usually lasts until April, so prepare yourselves for a lot of whining come spring...
Here is our backyard as of 9:05AM this morning:

Here is a view from our front porch:

These are from the bushes in our front yard (the ones in the previous picture):


Oh, and for those of my friends in Oregon who were recently given snow days because of one measly little inch of snow? Yeah, you're a bunch of wimps! It's nothing personal --just sayin'. :)

You Will Never Guess, So Just Read the Post

Realization can be my worst enemy. It causes all kind of pain in my life like guilt and shame. I mean, you know how you can't possibly believe your life could get any worse, and then it does, so you start to justify your despair, right? And there you are, all despairing? And blogging about it? And causing people annoyance, including yourself? But then suddenly, things happen that twist your despair around and you feel complete and unfettered joy! Happiness! Enlightenment! You then wonder how you could be given such wondrous joy!
But then you realize...you know...realize? That all along you've been in line for the most amazing gifts ever? That God was completely aware of you the entire time? But you were too blind to see it? Thus the realization?
And thus the guilt?
And the shame?
Anyway, I'm feeling realization right now, dear reader. But instead of letting the guilt and shame wash over me, I'm going to freak out with joy instead. Freak. Out.
What's that?
You would like to know what is causing me so much joy that I must use the word "freak"?
You'll never guess.
Go on, try.
Nope. That's not it.
Try again.
Nope.
Okay, this isn't working. I'll just tell you:
I am going....
...to London.
YES! I'm going to England! I'm going to London. Oh, my gosh, I have to say it again. I'm going to London! To England! To London!
I'm still in shock, but the flight confirmation is right there in my inbox. It's happening! I have two of my three babysitters already lined up (we're farming out the kids to different friends houses) and we just decided to do this two days ago!
Must calm down. Must breathe a little bit.
Wanna hear why I get to go to London?
Yeah?!
Me, too!
So here's the story:
Brandon has to be in Europe for three weeks in January (yes, 3 weeks out of the month. Wowzahs!). Not only will he be gone for a long time, he will be missing our Ten Year Anniversary.
Yeah. I know.
For most of his trip, he will be in London. But for about 9 days, he'll be traveling all over Europe visiting different clients/offices. However, he'll be in London during our anniversary. And he'll have a Sat/Sun to sight-see. Best part? He had enough air miles saved up that BOOM! I can fly over to London, stay for a week, and hopefully it will only cost us whatever it will cost me to see museums and Jane Austen's house. Yes! So, we booked the tickets. And I'm going. To London.
Did I mention I'm going to England?
The irony to this story, though, is in the fact that we are actually going to be in London for our Ten Year Anniversary. Not only have I been begging Brandon to take me to England for...about...10 years...but all last year I kept saying: Hey, honey! Let's go to England for our 10 year anniversary. Whaddya say?
Brandon: No way.
Me: Why not?
Brandon: I want sun. We're going to Mexico or on a cruise.
Me: (Pout, pout)
Brandon: Deal with it, baby.
Me: (Threatening bodily harm.)
Okay, kidding about the "deal with it, baby" and "bodily harm" because I actually inflicted some. Which makes me think the "deal with it baby" might have happened. Huh.
Anyway, so you see the irony? Do ya? Brandon spent 7 days there in November and totally did a 180 on me. Get this: He actually likes England.
And there was much rejoicing!
But wait! It gets better: We found tickets to Wicked in London for only 15 pounds each.
It gets better: I met a woman today (the MIL of a sister in our ward) who is living near London and not only did she offer to be a contact for me over there, she offered to drive me around in her car and be my personal tour guide while Brandon is working during the day!
It gets better: All of our babysitters are watching our kids for free.
It gets better: This is my dream. It's actually gonna come true!

So, there you have it. Cheryl has now realized how incredibly blessed and lucky she is, and even though there's some guilt and shame for being so despair-like, she's mostly feeling gratitude. Gratitude for an incredible opportunity; gratitude for Brandon's job; gratitude to the Lord for allowing her some happiness while she fights the depression and searches for long-term answers. So much gratitude.
I'm going to England!

So, dear reader, have you ever been to London? If so, give me great advice on what you think I should see. If you live there, contact me! Oh, and if you could go anywhere in the world first, where would you go? (Because, by golly! This is only the first place I want to see. I'm planning on seeing the world one day, you know!)

A Picture, a Laugh, and a Song

I stole this from Amanda, but I wanted to share the photo with you, dear reader. Here is Annette, me, Amber, Amanda, and Julie after our blogging lunch during Thanksgiving break. Aren't we cute?

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Want a great laugh? I got this from my friend, Cheryl (her blog is private, but you know her as Cardalls!).
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This is one of my new favorite Christmas videos (okay, well, technically, it's just a clip of the Sissel's performance with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir --but I love it!). Enjoy!

Back to the Fight

I doubt I will ever get over the amount of love and friendship that comes my way every single time I implode. Almost immediately. It's overwhelming at times, and I honestly can't help but feel unworthy of it all. I really do. But I know this confession will make a lot of you mad (since you told me I'm totally worthy! And inside, I know I am), so instead I will say thank you.
Thank you to those who left their kind words in comments (Janelle? You rock.)
Thank you to those who emailed me with great advice and stories of their own experiences.
Thank you to friends for long phone calls and letting me vent.
Thank you to Michelle W. who came over, lent me the best book (I'm already 50 pages into it), talked to me, watched my kids, and gave me a hug.
Thank you to Cristy for stopping me at preschool drop-off this morning to see how I was really doing.
Thank you to Brandon for being so supportive of my desire to get better.
Thank you for your amazing posts. The following posts have given me the best perspective today:
m&m's post talks about Motherhood and how it's not supposed to be easy.
Christine's post reminds us to not get angry but see others with compassion (which is what the book is talking about!).
Michelle's post gives me hope because I know of the harsh battles she has fought and won (and is still fighting), and if she can be optimistic in the face of it all, I know I can, too.
Christy's post reminds me to turn to Christ when I'm faced with my trials; we're all hurting, and He can heal us all.
And last of all, thank you for your advice on finding a therapist. Thank you for your referrals, too. Because of a conversation with MotWB on Tuesday and advice from Amber yesterday, I finally set up a time to meet with a therapist.
I'm going to see her on Wednesday.
And there we go; from dark to dawn, from despair to joy.
Ha!
Yeah, yeah. So not really. I'm not stupid enough to believe the switch can flip that quick (and trust you me, it hasn't), but I'm still fighting. Maybe that's what this post is about. I felt lower than low yesterday, but today I'm back in the saddle, fighting my guts out. I guess days like yesterday (my yesterdays?) happen because I just get sick of fighting. But the breaks I take from fighting suck worse than the fighting itself...
Figures.

I'm Tired of This Hole

Last night, #4 couldn't sleep. I'm still not sure why he couldn't sleep; there was no fever, no runny nose, no cough, no evidence of illness. But it was obvious his internal organs were in pain because he could not sleep and could not get comfortable. From 11:30PM until 4:00AM, I wandered from his bed to our bed; I took him into our bed, I took him back to his bed. After that, when my exhaustion was spent, Brandon brought him into our bed and comforted him. I was able to get about 2-3 hours of real sleep. This was good because today is a crazy day --two performances for the Elementary Fine Arts Choir (I'm their accompanist), four piano lessons, one practice, and all the other stuff moms are supposed to do.
I tried not to let the exhaustion get the best of me, but I was confronted with slow children, lost shoes, a husband going out of town last minute for work (he'll be back tomorrow night), a house I haven't cleaned in over a week because of my non-existent motivation, the stress of knowing that the shoes were lost because of my non-existent motivation, still wondering what was going on with #4's crazy tummy (indigestion?), and I freaked out.
I yelled at the kids because of the lost shoes; my oldest left for school in tears.
I do this all the time.
She bears the worst of my meanness.
She doesn't deserve it.
And yet, there I go, yelling and berating at her because she "should understand" and be "more responsible" and more "grown up" and I forget she's only seven years old.
She's Seven Years Old.
Sure, I could blame my verbal abuse on disobedient kids. I could blame it on my depression. I could blame it on my exhaustion. I could also blame it on the economy and the cold weather. But it doesn't matter. I'm a verbal abuser and I need to own it.
At the school this morning, my two daughters were in the audience watching the Fine Arts Music Concert. I waved at both of them --my oldest showed no sign of sadness or anger. Her immediate forgiveness never ceases to shock me --and chastise me. How simply and easily children forgive! One day, #1 called me from her friend's house right after school (a common occurrence). She asked if she could stay and play and I asked her why it took her so long to call me (the call was almost 10 minutes late). She said she and her friend had gotten in a fight after school, but now they were fine.
See? Easy. You fight, you get over it, you forgive, you move on.
After seeing her in the audience at the school, I took the time (after the concert, obviously) to write her a quick note of apology and had the office take it to her classroom. I know it won't make up for the continual damage I do to her self-worth and sense of love, but maybe it's a start.

You know, dear reader? It's so hard for me to do the right things. I look at my home and I know --I KNOW --with all my heart that if my family is to be happy, then I have to be the one to make it happy. Me. The Mom. As I was telling a friend on the phone yesterday, I think I rely too much on my husband to make things better. I also rely on my kids to do more than their share. I expect others to help me (why haven't my visiting teachers felt prompted to come over? Where's that one friend when I need her? What about MEMEMEME?) and I wallow, wallow, wallow in my self-pity and despair.
Remember this post? About putting the smack down on self-pity? I think I've come full circle again. Because the self-pity hasn't been smacked down enough. And I'm sad all the time again. And I don't seem to care. Thus the need for the therapist.
And 'round and 'round and 'round we go...
Damn Depression.
But I'm tired of it, you see. I'm done (again). So, I'm seeing my home differently this morning. I'm seeing it as I'm supposed to see it. It needs to be a place where my children are free from yelling, rudeness, vulgarity, selfishness, self-pity, despair. It needs to be a place free of that stuff for my husband. And for me. But how is it going to happen? Who is going to make sure it becomes this way? Me. It's my responsibility. My sole responsibility? Perhaps not. But my husband is a busy man, and if I wait around until he's available, then I'll be waiting a long time. I need to decide now to get my house in order and be the type of mother and wife I'm supposed to be --I want to be. The words seem trite because I know it's a lot harder than words on paper. In fact, it downright sucks most of the time, and pretending it's easy doesn't help, either. I have to put away my natural tendencies to do things only for me and start focusing on how to bring about peace and love and the Spirit. I'm the most selfish person in this household, you know. I mean, look at this blog post. Who's it about? Yeah.
Hopefully the therapist will help? I'll let you know when I actually get one. Until then, go kiss your kids. Do the dishes. Enjoy some time with your family and remember that you don't have it so bad. You could be in a hole of despair and verbally abusing everyone in your family like Cheryl does.
Not a place one should be. Not even me.

P.S. Sorry for all the blah. I had to get it out, and hot darn! I already feel a bit better. Maybe I'll go clean up last night's dinner mess. Or was that Monday's?

Stuff and Why Burning Bridges Should be a Felony

My cousin had a baby boy yesterday! Congrats, Andrea and Danny!
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Today is Bythelbs birthday. Happy Birthday, Bythelbs!
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So I have this new neighbor. Her name is Liz and she rocks. I love it when the new neighbor rocks. It's even better when she is a writer, a young mother, enjoys intelligent conversation, and doesn't run the other way when you admit to her that you're insane.
Yesssssssss.
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Right now, #4 is pushing playing cards down the front of his zip-up footy pajamas. This would explain the toys I find in his clothes all the time.
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How is it that within two days, a perfectly clean minivan can take on the appearance of a trash heap?
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I have learned something profound in my beautiful almost-30 years:
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever Burn Bridges.
Ever.
Because I guarantee you that you will run into people you thought you would never see again. People who you loved, who you hated, who you were apathetic about. You will see them and if you had burned the bridge, it will be awkward. Or, if you were wise and did not burn the bridge, you will reconnect and end up having a new friendship.
Luckily for me, I have never had to learn this the hard way. I have not burned bridges. At least I don't think I've burned bridges! If I have burned a bridge between you and me, dear reader, please let me know; I promise it wasn't intentional! And I'd like to re-build it.
Here are some examples from the last year where I ran into someone I never thought I'd see again (but was delighted I did!):
1. Living in the Bay Area, a girl who I had accompanied at BYU (very talented and ummm...very aware of her talent) came to my ward because her father was the high councilman in our ward and she was visiting home for Christmas.
2. Walking into practice yesterday for the Elementary School Fine Arts Choir, the flautist for one of our performances was a girl Brandon and I had worked with the summer we dated. Yay!
3. A friend I haven't seen in years (since 6th grade?) found me on Facebook last week. This week? Crazy!
4. My former roommate (from fall of 1998) was walking in front of my house last week while I was unloading the recent Costco run into the house. No joke! We stopped and chatted for a while --we haven't seen each other for about 4 years.

See? See? You never know when a blast from the past will come waltzing by and I promise you that it will be much nicer if you had parted ways in kindness. Ooh! That reminds me! Once, I ran into a boy I had dated when I was 16 years old. I was 22 at the time I saw him again and very pregnant with #1. We ran into each other on campus at BYU, and although I remember being a jerk to the poor guy (I hadn't spoken to him in almost 5 years), he still greeted me warmly. That was nice to know that he held no hard feelings. Perhaps it was because he had just gotten married himself? Yeah, there's nothing like marriage to forgive past loves of wrongdoing...

So, what's going on in your life right now? Have you ever burned any bridges? Run into the past and flipped out because it took you by surprise?

To Do List

*Find a dentist for the kids
*Find a dentist for me
*Find a family doctor for me (I'm runnin' out of asthma meds!)
*Find a therapist for me
*Finish project for #2's teacher (another one)
*Find a babysitter for Wednesday afternoon during Elementary School Choir's field trip: a performance at BYU
*Finish buying Christmas presents
*Finish Family Newsletter
*Email Family Newsletter (we're going cheap...I mean...inexpensive this year)
*Make Christmas cookies for Primary teachers
*Bake Banana bread for Visiting Teach-ees
*Go visiting teaching
*Mail Bythelbs her birthday gift
*First get bythelbs her birthday gift
*Practice musical numbers for Enrichment
*Go to Enrichment
*Get Christmas gifts for my piano students...?? (they don't expect one, do they?)
*Buy push-pins (unless Brandon remembers to bring them back from his office!)
*Go to the MoTab Concert
*Find babysitter for the MoTab Concert
*Clean the house. For real this time.
*Watch A Christmas Story and White Christmas and Elf and It's a Wonderful Life and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman and repeat.
*Hope the snow comes but doesn't come.
*Try not to curl up into the fetal position and demand that Christmas comes in January this year.

What We've Been Up To OR Videos for the Grandparents

Hey, thanks to everyone for your awesome, awesome therapist advice in my last post. The information was almost overwhelming, but it helped tremendously! I'll be sure to keep you updated as to "when I get the therapist" and "if it works" and "if I recommend it" and "all that jazz."
In the meantime, here's some stuff we've been up to:
On November 20th, Brandon turned 32! But he was in North Carolina, so we had ourselves a party for him on November 21st. It was low key and we had cake:

Earlier this week, #2's theater class had a big Christmas performance. After watching her on stage, I decided I want to be a stage mom. Why? Because she has the talent for it, and she loves it! Here's some stuff from that night:


Last night we had our Ward Christmas Party. I sang in a trio (very badly, I might add. The other girls were great --I was flat. So flat. Which stunk because I had done well in rehearsal, gosh darn it!), accompanied a duet (amazing duet, too), and then I played for the Primary Nativity Reenactment. #2 had another starring role in this play; she was asked to memorize and recite a poem. You can hear me playing "Silent Night" in the background while she's speaking. Oh, and in the second picture below, #1 is the angel behind Mary and Joseph:


I love Christmas! It's seriously the best time of the year --all cliche's intended. I found this on my sister-in-law's husband's wife's blog (catch that?):
Joy to Everyone
Watch the video; it truly emphasizes that Christ came not just for me or someone with religion --he came for Everyone. I loved, loved, loved it!
OH! And one last announcement:
We are coming to California! We made the decision earlier this week (thank you low gas prices!), and we're planning on being in Southern CA from Dec. 27th through Jan. 2nd. Just FYI to those who live in the area or for those who were expecting us to be in Utah. But we should be back by the 3rd of January...

What are you doing this month to celebrate Christmas? Any fun activities? Parties? Vacations? Traditions? Desire to hibernate?

How'd You Find Your Therapist?

Did it take a while to find one that helped? Was it hard to find one? How did you find one? Did you do it through LDS channels (LDS Family Services, etc.) or did you just open the phone book? Do you go once a week; twice a week; once a month? Do you see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or a therapist? Are most therapists well-rounded --in that they do marital, family, and personal? Or is it better to go with just the personal? If you live in Utah, would you be willing to email me (happymeetscrazy at gmail dot com) the name of your personal therapist you adore?

If you can't tell from these very...ahem...leading questions, I've decided to seek out a therapist. I think this step has been long in coming, and I've finally seen that it's needed. Honestly, you can blame Brandon because it was his idea.
Conversation (not verbatim) over Thanksgiving weekend:
Brandon: I think you should get a therapist.
me: You think I need therapy!?
Brandon: Don't you?
me: Yeah. Crap. But I don't want your mother to be right about me!
Brandon: (laughs)

Personally, I blame my depression, emotional exhaustion, and inability to get over myself. Brandon just tipped the scale and made me see how important being emotionally healthy is --not just for me, but for our kids.

I'm not a stranger to counseling/therapy. Back in college, after a big break-up with a boyfriend I thought I might marry (which seems so crazy to me now), I met with my Bishop frequently for some counseling. I don't think either of us realized it, but he was giving me a much needed outlet for some clinical depression (which only lasted for about 3 months). Later, when Brandon and I were engaged, we did pre-marital counseling. It was the best wedding gift (compliments of Brandon's mother) we received! What better way to begin a marriage then by seeing if we should really get married? It was fabulous. When friends or acquaintances would hear we were in counseling (and not even married), they were flabbergasted. I think we were still in the tail-end of the whole "counseling is evil because it means something is wrong with you!" taboo (which I hope is being eradicated swiftly). As an MFHD (marriage, family, and human development) major, I knew the questions and gasps/awkward looks were totally stupid. Stupid? Yes, very stupid. Couples spend so much time and money on what they are going to wear the day of their wedding, but how is that going to help their marriage long term?
But this wasn't meant to be a rant on how engaged couples miss the point...what was it about?
Oh, right.
Therapy.
So, here I am again. Probably seven years late (my first bout of PPD --post partum depression --was after #1 was born), but at least I'm going to take the plunge and get some third party objectionable point of view. Perhaps my random venting could be hurled the therapist's way and then I won't feel the need to blog...?
Hahaha! Yeah, right.
Anyway, I'm hoping to find someone great; someone who really listens; someone who won't make it worse. So, tell me, dear reader --how do I go about doing that?

P.S. Thanks!
P. P. S. If you have friends/family that have had success in therapy, send them my way, too!

Elder Wirthlin

Just FYI-
Elder Wirthlin passed away last night...

I sure love that man. His latest talk was the best. The best!

Maybe One Day I'll Finish What I Start

Well, folks, NaNoWriMo is over and....drum roll please...I didn't finish it.
Sigh.
I just wasn't into it this year. I think my inner-editor can't stand to see the trashy drivel pile up like dead bodies all around me, what with all my bad "dead body" metaphors and the like. I mean, you read the passage I left for you, right? Remember? Before? Fine, here's the link. And to show you what a crappy (but hopeful!!) writer I truly am, here's another gem from the novel-that-never-went-anywhere-except-in-the-far-corners-of-Cheryl's-tired-brain:

“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Oh, yes. I’m fine,” she said. “My friend must have realized…anyway…he came back. So, umm…sorry I woke you and thank you so much for being willing to help me.”
“No problem!” he said sincerely, and he shut the door as she walked away.
Anna walked down the porch and up the walkway to the sidewalk. She was nervous that Ryan had come back; she assumed it was because he noticed her purse in the car. Maybe he was a jerk, she thought, but he was a nice jerk. The hedge still obstructed her view, but she could hear him knocking loudly on her front door. She paused as she came around the hedge, to see what he was doing. Her purse was in his hand and he kept pounding on the door. He waited and pounded. And then waited and pounded. Anna kept still and stood watching, not sure how to approach. Ryan sighed and turned around. He started towards the car in the driveway with her purse in his hand, and she knew he would notice her if she didn’t hide. She decided to just start walking as if she had been intentionally out walking in the dark winter night. Women walk alone at night in the winter, right?
She had only taken a few steps when Ryan saw her.
“Anna!”
Anna was silent, but she stopped walking to acknowledge his address. He walked over to her and held out the purse.
“Ummm…you left this in my car. I didn’t notice it until I had driven home, but I figured you might need it.”
Anna took the purse and quietly said, “thank you.”
They stood there awkwardly for a few moments. Anna stared at the purse she clutched in her hands and Ryan put his hands into his pockets. Anna wasn’t sure what to say, and it was obvious Ryan wasn’t going to say anything, so Anna just took the purse and started to walk around him and up the driveway.
As she passed Ryan, he reached out and gently took a hold of her arm.
“Anna, wait.”
She looked at him. His face had the expression of concern, and it truly looked sincere. She didn’t answer, but let him talk.
“Anna…I…I’m not sure how I can explain this to you without you hating me more than you already do now.”
Anna’s face softened and she whispered “I don’t hate you.”
“Well, I wouldn’t blame you if you did!” he said. “What I did to you when we were 14 years old was awful. And I can see how that would have…bothered you.”
Anna scowled.
“Okay, okay! Not bothered, but made your life miserable. What I mean is that what I did was wrong. I may have been young and foolish –pretty stupid, too –but I want you to know that I actually grew out of that phase. I haven’t always been the jerk I was as a teenager. I’m not perfect, no –the U2 concert obviously proved that –but I do have good intentions now. I honestly…Anna…I honestly think…no…I know. I don’t THINK, Anna –I know this. I know…” he trailed off as he looked at her face. Anna was vaguely aware that he had moved his body so they were standing right in front of each other. The one hand that had held her arm was still there, but his other hand had slowly moved to her face. She felt her eyes close as he touched her cheek, and she felt so wonderful…but then snapped back to reality.
She opened her eyes and looked at him intently.
“You know what, Ryan?”
He was surprised by her reaction, but he didn’t flinch or back down.
“Anna. I know that I fell in love with you the moment I saw you in that law office two months ago. I had no idea you were the Anna Warner from my youth, but now that I know you are, it actually makes me thrilled!”
Anna was confused. “Why would that thrill you, Ryan?” she backed away from him and he let go of her arm. “You’re happy now that you’ve had the chance to apologize? Make amends? Are you happy that the ugly tall girl you kissed on a BET is now beautiful and everything you’ve ever wanted? And how convenient that she’s been in love with you for 15 years even though she hates the sound of your name because it reminds her of the pain you caused? Because she spent so much time trying to forget the past, only to have you waltz back into her life and ruin it all over again?”
By then, Anna was sobbing again, and she realized she probably sounded irrational. She wiped at her eyes, opened her clutched purse, and grabbed her keys.
“Thank you for bringing me my purse, Ryan, but I don’t think I can handle more lies tonight, okay? I’ll see you at the office.”
Again, she made her dramatic exit, but this time, with her keys.
“Anna, wait!”
She felt Ryan grab her arm again, but she tried to shake him off.
“Anna. Anna! Come on. Just listen, okay? Just listen.”
She turned around to face him.
“Ryan, if you really love me, then you will let go of my arm.”
He dropped her arm.
“Thank you. I will see you tomorrow.”
She unlocked her front door as quickly as she could and went inside. She immediately locked the door from the inside and sat on the floor against the door. The sobs shook her body for more than an hour and she drifted off to sleep on the cold floor.

Well, dear reader, no need to give me literary advice on this; no need to edit. I know it's crap. I mean, "Anna walked down the porch and up the walkway to the sidewalk"?? What kind of description is that? And "to acknowledge her address"? Come on, people! Even I know it's bad. Really bad.
But you know what? That's okay. The whole point of NaNoWriMo is to just write; get it out there, write furiously away, let the creative juices flow, and refuse to let the inner editor take over. It's not about flawless writing --it's about writing, period. Besides, which published author was able to submit a first draft? Hmmm? Who? Yeah, nobody.

Oh, and just for your information (and to alleviate all the confusion out there), here is the outline of the plot which I used on my NaNo profile:
Girl loves boy; boy loves girl. Boy hurts girl; girl spends the next 15 years getting over him. Girl runs into boy who starts work at her place of employment. Boy does not recognize girl. Girl recognizes boy! Ooh--what will happen? Or something like that. We'll see how it plays out in the next month...

More info? Anna was a foster girl with intense shyness. She falls in love with the Alpha Male (Ryan) and he pretends to like her on a bet (kisses her, etc.). Then he humiliates her publicly, and shortly thereafter she leaves to go live with her aunt and uncle who are finally able to adopt her (she's an orphan). 15 years later (still dealing with the Ryan baggage that has damaged every relationship she's ever tried to be in), while working at a law office (not as a lawyer), the firm hires Ryan as their new lawyer. But he doesn't recognize her because she changed her name...and it's been 15 years. She refuses to tell him (she's still massively shy), but starts to date him (he's still charming and handsome and perfect) and then it all comes out at the end, blah, blah, blah. And more blah. Maybe.
I didn't finish it, remember?
But hey, I still might. So, don't steal my idea! Or my words! That would be rude (and stupid, since they're really, really bad...).

Hey, so are you a writer? Do you want to write? Do you think books like this (cheesy/bad romance) still have a large demographic today? Even without a vampire in them? Doh!

Too tired to come up with a good blog post title...

Thanksgiving:
*Delicious food
*Family
*Movies
*Guitar Hero
*Piano Duets
*Date with Brandon
*Eggnog and pie
*Card games
*Sick nephew
*Loud and happy children

BloggerSnackerThingyMaJingy:
*Annette Lyon
*Amber
*Julie P
*Amanda D
*Great lunch at Brick Oven
*Fabulous women, wish they could have stayed all afternoon, hope they didn't find me as dorky as I felt, can't wait to see them again, love friends from blogging!

Other Random Stuff:
*Decorated the house for Christmas. I LOVE Christmas!
*Took the kids to Temple Square last night; forgot the camera. But here are a few pictures via Brandon's phone (and I have no idea why blogger made them all different sizes. Just click on them if you want to see them up close):


*Inadvertently insulted my FIL. Again. Made cookies for him --cookies make people happy, right? Sigh.
*Realized I do too many things.
*Am currently in the process of doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, a small take-home project for #2's teacher, and the neighborhood newsletter; setting up practices for many Christmas performances/musical numbers throughout the month; trying to make huge decisions about our future (immediate and long term); realizing I need to change all of my Thursday piano lessons because of a ward Christmas party nativity play rehearsal; wondering if the kids really do need nutritious meals at this point; noting if skipping walking/running this morning was a bad idea; and wishing I could take a nap. Right now. But I can't, because #1 has her art lessons in Sugarhouse today, so we have to head up to SLC in about an hour and a half. After we take my FIL the cookies, of course.

How was your Thanksgiving weekend?