Memorial Day Weekend at Gualala River!

We had a great time camping! It was filled with the river, the beach, lots of campfires, dutch oven cooking, s'mores, singing, dirt, sleeping in, and even bring-your-own-camp-chair-Church which included Sac. Mtng, Primary, and Sunday School. There was lots of laughter, very few injuries, pay-by-quarter showers, hiking, wind, sun, family pictures (thanks to Weston Photography!), yummy food, and amazing company (my brother, SIL, nephew, and our friends the Weston's). The only thing missing were animals. It was strange camping in the shadows of such tall redwood trees and having only birds around. No deer, no squirrels, raccoons, skunks...not even a chipmunk! But the campsites were very close together, which didn't leave much room for infiltration. Hmmm....

The drive up and down was along Highway 1 (the California Pacific Highway), and that alone was amazing! We even stopped for a picnic at Pebble Beach on our drive home.

The worst part, of course, was packing up camp and unpacking when we got home. But it's always worth it. There's just something about being out of doors, leaving conveniences and telephones at home, breathing in the fresh morning air and laughing with friends over a campfire. I can't wait until we do it again! :)

DH knows me all too well...

DH is a patient man.

He emailed me about a month ago with this information. In the email he said "not implying anything!" which was a smart thing to do at the time. But, of course, I needed it. I'm thinking I might call today.

I find that the feeling of hopelessness is making it hard to make friends with other mothers. Especially the other mothers of #1's friends at school that are not LDS. I'm sure they all think I'm either stuck-up or very shy. I wish they knew what I was really like; but they don't see my sparkling and witty personality when I'm dropping #1 off at school everyday. Of course, DH rarely sees that witty and sparkling personality anymore. It's still there, under the surface, and every once in a while, she shows herself. It's just not as often as we'd like.

So, to all those moms that think I'm not interested: You'd be surprised how greatly I would love having you for a friend. And I'm sorry that I'm not myself. Please don't think that I don't want to be a part of your circle. I just don't know how to get past the wall, yet. I'm getting there, though...

Girl's Weekend (May 19-21)

Early flight; airline does not have my stroller/car seat at the gate. Luckily it was with all the other luggage at baggage claim. But it was found after the tears. :( Thanks to my MIL for picking me up!

Went to MIL house; relaxed, walked around their amazing garden; relaxed in the hammock and talked to my StepFIL and brenna.

Played some basketball and Frisbee with SIL's and BIL; got lunch.

Thanks to BIL's sister for watching #4 while my SIL's, MIL, and I went horse back riding. It was truly fun and exciting (even when my horse freaked out a little bit).

Girl's dinner at a Thai restaurant. Yummy! Ironically, we talked about global warming, politics, and tofu. Go figure. :)

Slept in the next morning. MIL made me breakfast --it was so incredibly good. Not sure if that was the food or the fact that I didn't have to make it. :) We had an incredible talk about my depression. Seeing if that really was what I was feeling or going through.

Went to RS with my SIL (her calling is the music specialist in RS and they have it first in her ward). Listened to a spectacular lesson on avoiding Satan (#10 in the President Kimball manual) and withstanding his temptations. Something I greatly needed to hear.

Skipped the rest of church and went to MIL's house for BBQ. YUM!!! Everyone was there. The only person missing was DH (and our other children).

Went to visit some good friends and their cute kids. It was a wonderful to see them. We've all been friends since DH and I were dating; they were their when my water broke with #1. :) It would be nicer if we lived closer to them, that's for sure!

Back to MIL's house for some board game playing. Then off to bed with an early, early rise to make it to the airport on time. Thanks to tamra for taking me!

All in all, it was a very relaxing and much needed weekend away. I was able to think about my situation, listen to others that suffer from depression, and just start to think about what I need to do to combat this crappy feeling. So far, so good! My plan seems to be working. It's not perfection, but at least it's a start.

Small Break...

We are going camping! We are going camping! WE ARE GOING CAMPING!! I'm running around like crazy getting ready, but I'm so very excited! We're going with my brother, who, is being deployed to Iraq on Wednesday. So, I'm excited to spend this weekend with him and his family. And, did I mention that we are going camping?!?!

[That means I'll have two weekends (last and this) to talk about when we get back]

HAVE A GREAT MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND EVERYBODY!

War against PPD

So, it's not so new that I've got PPD. Of course, it's been undiagnosed, but whatever. I've had it twice before --and a clinical depression episode in college before I met my hubby. This last weekend (in Simi Valley with my MIL and SIL's) was a final effort to figure out what the heck I'm going to do to get rid of this feeling; to help me get better.

Since it's all hormone-related (thank you to my MIL for our long talks about her depression and to my SIL for talking about her depression as well), having a baby and PMS are all very real triggers to my depression. On top of that, I moved two states away right after #4 was born. This all creates a breeding ground for funkiness. And boy, have I been in a funk.

One of my earlier posts talked about how being busy could combat my PPD (well, before I readily acknowledged that it was, in fact, PPD). And it does. But I also know that in order to eliminate my "down" days, I have to do so much more. Here is the Plan (as my MIL reminded me I needed to have, or else nothing will change):

1. I will be blogging less. I will be staying away from community and personal blogs that bring me down and cause contention. Ironically, they are the Mormon blogs that in their sincere desire to help, are tearing down my faith and making me feel dark inside. Not to mention my complete inadequacy and lack of intelligence to combat their thinking. Please note that those blogs I will still read and/or comment on are in my links.
2. I will be exercising more. Even if this means only going to the park each day with the kids --I need to be outside and stop sitting on the couch dwelling on my problems (or sitting on the computer dwelling on my problems). Becoming physically healthy is directly linked to being mentally and emotionally happy. I caught a glimpse of this last year. I need to re-double my efforts, and either just join WW again, or really buckle down and do it.
3. More piano students. When I have a purpose like this (outside of raising my kids) I am happy. I'm going to try to get more students so that the time I do have with my kids will be special to me (just as it used to be before I moved).
4. Be grateful. Be grateful everyday for the incredible life I've been blessed to enjoy. Focus on those things that will bring me gratitude and joy --eliminate mindless waste-filled activities that blacken my soul and create tension in myself.
5. Allowing DH to help me in physical, spiritual, and mental ways. More prayer, more study, more positive things being allowed into our home. Not feeling guilty for asking help with the house. Not feeling bad for needing his guidance when my brain has turned off for the day.
6. Prayer.

I know that this depression will not go away quickly. I also know that because I'm on top of it, that one day it will go away --at least the symptoms will. *

[My next post will include what I did and my thoughts about my recent weekend away.]

*disclaimer: After much thought, it has been decided against counseling and meds at this time for my PPD, since I have not had any thoughts of harming me or my children (well, serious thoughts. I mean, come on, haven't we all freaked out and threatened harm when our 2 year old is carrying his poopy diaper in hand down the stairs of our rental? But, you know what I mean.)

I knew it was on the map...

How exciting! My hometown was featured in yesterday's USA Weekend: Go here and see if you can find it (hint: look at my profile to find out where I'm from...)

Odds and Ends

• I'm leading the discussion at our book club tonight: "My Name is Asher Lev" --I was shocked I had not read this book until now. It's a fabulous book; I'm excited to talk about it.
• #2 left her jacket at the park. I called L who gave me E's phone number so I could get M's number from her (M was still at the park); E called me back, left a message with M and when I went to pick up #1 at school, M was there with the jacket. I love friends! And cell phones!
• Tomorrow night DH and I are goin' out on the town! Well, at least dinner. I'm glad we'll have some sort-of-but-not-really-because-#4-will-be-with-us-and-we're-going-with-friends alone time.
• I leave for LA on Saturday! HUZZAH! I get to spend 2 entire days with my MIL and SIL's (whom I love so very, very much). #4 has to come along, of course (that anti-bottle baby!), and so he and I are going to be hangin' out on the plane together. I'm excited for DH because he will have some needed alone time with his three oldest offspring. They love their dad so much, so I'm excited for them, too.
• Jane Clayson Johnson's book: "I Am a Mother" (which I got for Mother's Day) is just fabulous. Fab-u-lous. I need to read it again.
• WE'VE GOT RENTERS!!! They signed the lease (an entire YEAR!) and move in soon. It's gonna be weird having strangers living in our home in Provo, but boy it's great to have that financial part of our life in order. You know, someone else paying our mortgage. :)

"Four kids? You must be so busy/crazy/tired!"

So, I have, by far, the cutest kids in the entire world. I mean, seriously, have you seen cuter? Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

#1 has shorter hair (I did pretty, good, eh?) and is losing her teeth so quickly.

#2 has decided to become a model. Well, only if her singing/acting/perfectly-thought-out-tantrums don't work out. :)

#3 is still getting through those "terrible 2's". But boy, does he just make me want to snuggle him!

#4 smiles constantly, and recently he has attempted the "roll over" (about 10 minutes ago).

P.S. My title is something I'm confronted with constantly here in California. The answer to that questions is "YES! I'm busy/crazy/tired! But I don't care, and did you know I want to have more? Man, how busy/crazy/tired would that be?!?!" I do get sick of complete strangers assuming how I feel. It's annoying...yes! It's annoying! Even if they are right! It's annoying! :)

Ode to My Mother

Inspired by Denae's post, I decided to write about my own mother. So, back in the day, my mom married my dad in 1978, after graduating from BYU. She got her first teaching job in Idaho, so she and my dad made their home there (while my father finished University). I was born in 1979 (yep, that's me down there!). I'm the oldest of four children, and so some (and I) could say that I got the trial run of my parents "parenting". But I think they did an awesome job. My mom was a teacher (has been for almost 30 years!) and I have been asked before if that was hard on me as a child. I do remember going to daycare --but they are very short memories. What I remember the most are my parents loving me. I remember family vacations; family dinner every night; lots of music and movies; babysitting my siblings while my parents went to the Temple or went grocery shopping. I remember hearing my mother bear testimony about the love she had for Christ and for her children; watching her fulfill all her callings without complaint; making sure we went to church each week; making sure we knew that the Gospel was important to her. I remember spending lots of time with family; wanting to be with my family even when we fought like crazy. I remember seeing my mother (and my father, because they rarely do anything without each other) at all my choir concerts, piano recitals, marching band performances and plays. I remember talking to my mom about my boyfriends; yelling at each other because I was an impossible teenager; being happy to go to college; being happy to visit home as often as I could. I remember going through the Temple for the first time and my mother teaching me doctrine in the Chapel before we went in, and I remember watching her hands and thinking how they looked like mine.
I remember my wedding day and how my mother worked so hard to make the occasion beautiful, even though they had a limited budget; her giving me advice, but never meddling; her constant kindness even when I was out of control. I remember her encouragement to finish college; to pray before making decisions; to love my husband with all that I have.
I remember becoming a mother and wondering if I could ever be even half as good as my mother was (and still is) to me. I remember calling her just this week to ask her advice; wondering if she still thinks of me as the little girl I once was; wondering if I'll ever stop worrying so constantly about my children; hoping she knows how much I love her.

Mom, you're simply the best. I'm grateful God gave me to you because I think you did a great job. I can't thank you enough for all you did for me --from giving me life to helping me with my own children and everything in between. Your testimony of the Gospel, your logic, your sense of humor, your talents, and your never-ending compassion has made me who I am today.

I love you, mom! <3

Is there a doctor in the house?

I have a blogging disease. It includes two parts:

1. Post killer
2. Ignored comments

Now, I'm not too upset with this disease, although sometimes it is limiting and frustrating. Let's discuss each part:

1. Quite often, my comments will kill a post. Either I will have something brilliant to say (doubtful), or what I've said is so mundane, so ignorant, or perhaps so ridiculous that nobody can think of anything else to say. Of course, it could also be attributed to another symptom: commenting-after-the-discussion-has-closed.
2. Similar to the first part, this symptom happens frequently on blogs and posts that are deemed "intellectual" (see here, here, here, and here). Since I do not have a PhD in philosophy, law, education, history, language, women's studies, English, or...wait, I don't have a PhD. Okay, this makes sense now. I need a PhD in order for my comments to have a response. Another thing I seem to lack is a sense of humor. However, I'm good at bitter, so maybe that's wrong?

In my quest to fix this, I have found a cure: Stop trying to leave comments on blogs that don't go on and on about motherhood (which, in mine --and their--defense, are my favorite blogs. For some reason I just get them). So, if I choose to stay out of intellectual debates and quandaries, then perhaps my blogging disease will cease. But I can't stop. I'm addicted, I tell you! Addicted! Therefore, I will continue to allow this disease expose my weaknesses and humiliate me to no extent. Go figure.

I Feel Good (nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah nah)...

• #3 used marker to color the floor, the chair, the table, and his knees. I have to admit that his knees look lovely (just not as lovely as his pink toe nails and finger nails...)
• Miraculously, #1 and #2 cleaned up said marker off the floor, chair and table before telling me (somehow, they forgot his knees).
• #1 lost her front tooth (pictures to come) and I cut her hair (pictures to come).
• #2 (or also known as crazy-attention-needing-diva) is still enjoying performing on cue for all our new friends.
• #4 is three months old!
• Our Washing Machine broke. I went to a friend's house (thank you, C!) and used her washer, then carted it back to my house to dry. Of course, it should be fixed sometime between 1 and 5 PM tomorrow. Like I have no life and will be sitting at home between 1 and 5PM tomorrow. Which, I probably will be...~sigh~
• Every piece of clean laundry is sitting on my bedroom floor. I may have time to fold it today, but I'm not sure if this blogging gig will be done in time for me to fold today. It's just too hard to tell right now. We might have to reschedule, the laundry and I...
• I have 2 more piano students! That brings the grand total up to....five. Okay, doesn't sound that good when I think of the total...But five is better than.....ummm....four!
• Mother's Day is coming and I'm a loser when it comes to giving gifts on time. Man! If this blogging would just hurry up and finish, I'd have time to do more things! Jeesh!
• After speaking with 2 or 38 people lately, I've discovered that I'm not as insane as I think I am; I will get past this PPD that I'm feeling; I'm okay to be a very un-busy mom that refuses to sign her children up for more than one thing; I am NOT alone. Yes. I'm feelin' good!

Ode to Utah: What I miss the most, Part II

I miss our yard. This is part of our backyard showing the pond DH had to fill in before we can rent out our house (liability purposes). The kids spent countless hours outside on the grass, exploring through weeds, rocks, etc. And I knew they were safe because of the high concrete wall. :) Temple Square! There's nothing like it. The Provo River! Although the Provo River is not the kind of river I'm used to (think "Snake River"), I still learned to love it. I've lived near it for the last 8 years or so; there are memories of tubing down it, wading in it, and just sitting by it (while living at Aspen Grove).
Snow! And yes, those are plastic bags wrapped around my girls' shoes with duct tape. No, I'm not kidding. Let's just say that we weren't very good at our snow gear (although we lived in Provo). Anyway....Snow! Every year the kids would make a snowman with their dad (this one was a few years back) and they really didn't get much higher than this... :)

The Provo Temple. And not just the Temple, but the view of Rock Canyon behind it. Some mornings, while I was still at BYU, I would look up at Rock Canyon and the cliffs would be bathed in sunlight --it looked just like a painting. Seriously, it was almost unreal. The Temple itself has a special place in my heart, too. This is the Temple we attended for our entire marriage. The Oakland Temple is amazing, too (I mean, seriously, what Temple isn't special or amazing? I mean, come on! They're all beautiful) but it's so different attending a temple that doesn't have sessions every 20 minutes and so many people going in and out that they have to add extra sessions here and there.

More to come!

Get the kleenex...

This made me cry, but it was so beautiful...

Two reasons I believe...

Within the last week, two separate experiences have taught me (I should actually say retaught me) that the Lord knows me, loves me, and is able to use other people to help me.

First Experience:

Last Thursday, I was having a crappy day. Seriously, I was all "mommed" out and I just kind of checked out for the afternoon. I was stressing over my kids, my new life (yes, still) and other things. The crazy kiddies ran all over the house (barely supervised) while I sat on the couch holding the baby and watching re-runs of Reba. Yeah, it was that bad. Anyway, DH called as he was heading home from the office, and I told him he needed to bring dinner. That's the signal of "If you want to eat anything, you better bring it with you" and he understood. He brought home dinner and then handed me the mail.

I saw a large envelope from my father (well, it was in his writing). Inside was a walnut shell cut in half and a paper that said this:

HAPPINESS IN A NUTSHELL

Notice that the shape and ridges of the walnut shell look like a
tiny brain. This reminds us that tour brains are awfully tiny and weren't
meant to figure everything out or to be used all the time. When we use our
little brains too much, it feels like a stick shift vehicle going too fast
in first gear.

When you feel your little brain working too hard, turn the nut
over. This is symbolic of "turning things over" to God when things are too
big for us to handle.

Now, with the flat side of the nut facing up, notice the shape of
a heart. With your index finger, touch the smooth shell and trace around the
outline of the heart.

Notice the eyes peeking out of the shape of the heart.

Feel the smoothness in contrast to the roughness on the other
side.

In summary, when you feel your little brain working too hard, turn
things over and see things through your heart instead, and everything will
go more smoothly. (Ryan Hulbert PhD)

Can I just tell you how wonderful it was to read this? I cried and cried--and then later found out that my mother had given it to my father to send to me. My dad asked her if she wanted to wait and write a note with it, but she said "No, I feel that it needs to be sent today" and because of that, it arrived at the moment I needed it.

Second experience:

I've been having some problems with my parenting. I know, I know! The mind reels when it thinks that Cheryl would be anything but the best mother in the whole world, but alas, it is true. I am a failure at most things. ~sigh~ Anyway, my grandmother (or, DH's grandmother) has a blog, and I sought her advice on parenting. She answered me and I was satisfied with her advice --it was great! However, I've been having a hard time implementing it. Yesterday was an especially trying day. Just imagine: every book, every toy, and every game all over the place. I was at my wits end, and shouting ensued and it was a mess. Luckily I had a piano lesson to interrupt the frustration on both my part and the kids' part. But I was just upset all around, you know? Here I am, failing miserably at the very thing I should be excelling at. Well, lo and behold, in the mail comes another small package --and this time it's a letter from Grandma and "The Parent's Handbook" with all the advice in it that Grandma had shared with me. I am so excited! I started reading right away and have been trying so hard today to implement some of it. And so far, so good.

Can I just tell you how grateful I am to two righteous women who listened to the Spirit and sent me the very things I would need --at the very moments I would need them? I feel not only blessed to have them in my life, but very, very humbled that I would be worthy of so much love and attention from the Lord.

So, thank you, mom and thank you, Grandma for being so sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. And thank you for loving me enough to think of me. It has made a bigger difference in my life than I think you'll ever know...

What do you think?

I'm trying out new colors and fonts...what do you think?

One more post!

Here's my Guest Post over at Tales From the Crib...