Ode to Utah: What I miss the most, Part I

I miss our yard. I doubt DH misses the leaves falling (do they fall here? I don't even know...), but I miss our trees.
Y Mountain and everything BYU. How could I not? I loved BYU and I miss being so close to it.
BYU FOOTBALL! GO COUGARS!!
Aspen Grove Family Camp. Love it, love it, love it. We worked there for a few years, we visit as often as we can, and hopefully we'll actually vacation there someday...
Mt. Timpanogos! How can I not miss this? Utah Lake (shown here) is okay, but the mountain is wonderful. I hiked to the top of that baby. I did! I promise! And I was 6 weeks pregnant with #1. Yep. I am Wonder Woman... :)

More to come!

Another Guest Post...

Go HERE for my Guest Post at Mormon Mommy Wars...

Ahh, Elizabeth is indeed my hero!

I found out about this quiz from Katie...
Go see who you are!

As for my results, I have to say I was slightly surprised. I've always felt I was closer associated with Emma; but, I am okay with the results, because I doubt I'm as good of a person as Emma. :) And to be completely honest, Elizabeth Bennett was always my hero in literature. She's a true feminist, that one...

My children don't need structure, do they?

So, do you want your kid to have the best possible education? Experience? Activity? Well, good luck figuring out how, because man, the options are insane.

We're struggling in finding a preschool for #2 and #3 (for next year). We have myriads of options (think Christian schools, daycare schools, High school schools, community schools, private schools) and zero chances of getting in. ("I'm sorry, you should have applied in January even though you hadn't even known you were moving to our community at that point in your life...")

Then there's the activities they can choose from: Soccer, Swim lessons, swim team, dance, ballet, gymnastics, piano lessons, t-ball, karate, etc.

Well, once we limit all these activities (and find a preschool) there's the cost involved. I mean, everything costs money, right? Yes, and sometimes your arm and occasionally your leg.

So, DH and I are in the midst of deciding what is best for our children. And for which children (that's not to imply that some children don't deserve the best). Of course, I could go for the teach-them-everything-myself-because-I-can't-handle-this-stress kind of route, but then that would induce the I'm-so-stressed-because-I'm-teaching-them-everything kind of route.

What would you do? And in fact, what do you do with your children?

The best lift for me is purpose...

I got it, people! I finally figured it out.

My already worn-out brain thrives on activity. No, not math problems. Yeah, like that will ever happen again in this lifetime --I'm talking about regular I'm-going-crazy-because-I'm-a-mom-that-also-needs-a-life type of activity.

I moved here and got slightly depressed. No, the weather is great. The ward is great. My new friends are amazing. The house is wonderful. The neighborhood is so nice. Life is peachy-keen. But I was bored. I had no life. I had no activities to occupy my mind, my life, my craziness. So blogging was my only activity. And I'm sorry, but only blogging? Yeah. ONLY BLOGGING. I was on the Internet all day. My kids were bored. I was bored. Life was BOH-RING.

But I didn't know it. I did not know it! Now I do! And today proved it! How, you ask? How? I'll tell you how my running through my schedule today:

DH wakes early to do a 6AM session at the Oakland Temple. So I get all kids ready for the day, along with myself, do a teensy bit of Internet stuff, and take #1 to school. After I drop her off, the other kiddies and I go pick up my friend L and her daughter. We take them to the Oakland airport (wonderful conversation!) and drop them off. (I'll miss her while she's gone...) Then I take the kids back home; we eat lunch and then head to Costco. We buy our stuff, get my meds, and head back to the home front again. #3 falls asleep; #2 and I clean the house like crazy before my piano lessons. YES! PIANO LESSONS! My two students (bro/sis) come over for their lessons. Awesome lessons! They practice! It's amazing what can be accomplished when one practices...Anyway....Lessons over; call my sister. Love my sister! #1 is then dropped off by her friend's mom (she spent the afternoon with a friend). I make dinner. DH comes home. I type this blog post.

Now why is this wonderful? I was busy, people! I WAS BUSY!

Some thrive on down-time. I need that, too (hence the trip to LA next month I'll be taking sans DH, #1, #2, and #3), but ---but! I thrive on activity. I need some stress. Not too much, but some. I remember my happiest moments in HS and college as being filled with constant purpose. Focus on the tasks at hand.

I can feel the fog of depression lifting. Of course, this means less Internet time, but isn't that totally wonderful?!? :)

Wow.

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ca/film_fullscreen_evo.html

Give me some lovin', people!

This post is going to be long. But bear with me, because I need (and WANT!) some feedback on all kinds of things...

Stuff #1:
I finally did it. I managed to get some self control, and therefore, I have lost 2 pounds. It took about 7 weeks before I could muster up enough strength to conquer my fear of starting. It's amazing to me how easy it is to exercise and eat right when we find ourselves in the midst of it. But to begin? That's the hardest part. It really, honestly, no-doubt-about-it is the hardest part. After weeks of binging on snacks, refusing to schedule in exercising time, I have finally done it. And it only took 6 factors (six! Freak! That's pathetic. It should have taken one...):

1. DH and I have joined a contest online; a "biggest loser" if you will with some BYU enthusiasts.
2. DH is being awesome about buying food that is good for us. This helps, because if bad food is in the house, I will eat it. If it's not, I won't.
3. This post. I typed up the words and put it up to see each day. It's a very real and almost tangible motivator
4. Getting sick and vegging in front of the TV taught me that I want to look --again --the way I should. I do not want my fatness to define or limit who I am or what I can do. I need to be healthy, which brings me to number...
5. My PVC's are coming back. My asthma isn't doing so well. I need to fix this. I want to live for a long time. I want to be able to play with my children. I want to be HEALTHY. And finally, number...
6. Josh Groban. Not kidding. His song "You are Loved" is probably the biggest factor for me right now. I had to listen to it 100 millions times, put the lyrics on my cupboard where I can see it everyday, and listen to it at least once a day. Here are the words:

Don't give up; It's just he weight of the world; When your heart's heavy I, I will lift it for you; Don't give up; Because you want to be heard; If silence keeps you I, I will break it for you; Everybody wants to be understood; Well I can hear you; Everybody wants to be loved; Don't give up; Because you are loved;

Don't give up; It's just the hurt that you hide; When you're lost inside I, I'll be there to find you; Don't give up; Because you want to burn bright; If darkness blinds you I, I will shine to guide you; Everybody wants to be understood; Well I can hear you; Everybody wants to be loved; Don't give up; Because you are loved...

This song is amazing. It resonates everything that I need. It fits my struggles with weight loss. It fits my struggles with being accepted. It fits my struggles with loving myself. It fits each prayer, because the words are like an answer to a prayer. I can almost hear God telling me He loves me. And then, in the next moment, it's my husband's voice. Or my child's. Or my friend's. This song just fits and helps in all the right ways. How does it make you feel? Is this a universal feeling? (I'm assuming it is...) Do you feel better just imagining someone telling you these words?

Stuff #2: There has been much-to-do over at FMH the last few days discussing misogyny and benevolent sexism. I won't get into the debate here, but I figured some things out for myself as far as my "feminism" goes. Maybe I'll save that for another post...

Stuff #3: Regally Blonde's post got me thinking about the crap in this world. We've got the recent Virginia Tech shooting, Provo High School had a bomb threat yesterday, and today, a middle school in the Bay Area had a bomb threat. Then there's the Imus thing, all those actors (Mel Gibson, Michael Richardson, etc) spewing hateful racist things as well, and let's see...anything good on YouTube? This world just keeps getting worse. It makes me want to hide my children, even though I know it won't work. But I'm sick and tired of the crap out there being spouted off and excused in the name of the First Amendment, difference in taste, and "it was just a joke." I guarantee that no mother, no matter how liberal, does not want her child to be a victim or a perpetrator in any of it. Any of it! "It" being pornography, racism, murder, etc.

Stuff #4:
I found I have no social skills. My foot does not taste good.

Stuff #5:

Kites are fun! Taking the kids to the park on a whim to fly one is even more fun.

I'm laughing so hard...

Go read this.

The Sun is a Star...

#2: "Mommy, is the sun a star?"

me: "Yes. How did you know that?"

#2: "#1 just told me."

me: "Yep, the sun is a star. It's the closest one to us and so it is bright and big and keeps us warm."

#2: "I made a wish on the sun! Cause it's a star!"

(conversation occurred at approx. 8:20AM PST)

Turned out just fine...

DH got a later flight which landed him in Portland and then to Oakland (where he saw THE Mr. Monk!), in home just in time to welcome #1 and #2 from Church (where, thanks to my sweet friend, they were able to attend). It was still a long day (#3 decided to "play" on the computer, #4 is going through a growth spurt and eats every 2-3 hours, every dish in the house was dirty, every room in the house was dirty --still is --).

Oh, thank you to my friend for taking the girls to church and for the frozen lasagna! It was delicious and saved me from having to think about cooking... You're the best!!!

If I could just take care of myself...

Dang!

DH missed his flight this morning. Hopefully he gets on stand-by later and makes it in time to take the kiddies to Church. Oh, and let me rest. Seriously, I'm miserable. I'm prone to sinus infections --yep, got hit this morning. Oh, and it's in my lungs now, thanks to Mr. Asthma. That's no fun. OH! And #4 decided he needed to nurse at 10PM, 2AM, 5AM, and 7:45AM. So, good-bye to sleep. Well, at least REM sleep. :)

I've decided why I hate being sick so much (besides the obvious reasons of pain, fatigue, and yuckiness). I can't take care of myself. In college, if I would get sick, I would cancel everything for two days, take my meds and sleep all day. That would always mean skipping class, ignoring my roommates, etc. but it turned out to be the absolute best thing in the world. I would recover so quickly --but if I kept going and going while sick, it would take weeks to recover, and my school work would show the slip in brain function. I deemed it worthy to miss a few days to take care of myself and speed up recovery.

When DH gets sick, he still usually goes to work--but he does a good job of coming home and sleeping. I try really hard to take care of him, but he's not like the baby I become --just moody. :) But I take care of the house, the kids, the meals, etc. so he can rest and recover.

Me?

I'm alone with the kids all day. I can't shut down like I did in college. I have other people to take care of --and usually DH is very good about helping when he comes home. But he can't nurse the baby, and he can't be here all day, and then this weekend, of course, he had to be in Provo, so it was all me and Mr. Sickness. And here are a few happenings:

• #3 decided that wearing poopy diapers are yucky and took it off, coming down the stairs with the poopy diaper in hand and the rest of it attached to his bum...
• #1, thinking it was a game, locked BOTH doors on the jack-and-jill bathroom (the kids' bathroom). Luckily, nobody was in there...
• It rained and rained and rained. Hooray for moisture! Boo for kids stuck inside...

One good thing came about --my kids prayed with me that the doors to the bathroom would be opened. After trying with a paperclip, I got my old library card, looked at the front picture of the old Brigham Young Academy, said "Help me here, Brigham" and slid it through. It cracked, I tried again, and the door pushed open without any effort at all. We immediately said a prayer of thanks. My girls know that prayers are answered (what I did to open that door shouldn't have worked...).

So, now, as I write this, I feel better. Sometimes I just have to vocalize how I'm feeling in order to feel better. Hey, I'm a woman, right?

But please hurry home, DH...the dishes are calling for you...

Please pass a tissue...

I'm sick.

I thought it would be gone quicker than it is, but this afternoon I hit a wall.

I'm sorry to the mothers and kids I was with this morning. [We were going to go hiking, but because it's raining buckets and buckets, we went to the library instead (which was actually quite fun)]. I'm sorry if any of you end up sick. It will probably be my fault. I thought I was getting over it, but now I'm getting into it.

DH is gone until tomorrow, too --and I'm a wimp and a baby when I'm sick. My kids have been great --but I know they hate the mood swings.

I'm thinking I'll stay home from church tomorrow and make DH take the older three. Then maybe I'll get a nap. It'll be my first nap in about 9 weeks...well, the first nap I'll remember taking in that long...

Ode to my sister

My sister is one of the best people I know. She was born as the middle child, but she never seemed to have the disposition of a middle child. M was the peace-keeper in the family. I like to think the title remains (even though she can be just as moody as the rest of us! Here's to that maternal bloodline...)
Even though we are the only girls in our family (love this shot from 1980-something?), the four year difference played a toll on our relationship as we were growing up. I don't think it was really until I left for college that she and I were able to really become "friends." I'm sure it was hard for her, watching her older sister run around with friends, boyfriends, responsibilities, jobs, etc. that she couldn't really participate in. And then when I married at 19, it separated our worlds quite drastically for a time.
When she decided to come to BYU after high school, it was wonderful! Not only because I then had an instant babysitter (the best one I have ever had), but I was there for her when our mother couldn't be (living so far away). It was so fun to be a part of her life then --she would let me live vicariously through her (think fun college life!) and I would help her get through those times of crazy roommates, weird boyfriends, and oh, yes. An education. :)

Now, here we are, two old mommies, raising our children (okay, so she'll have child"ren" in August!) and understanding each other better than we ever have before. Besides being mothers, we are wives, college graduates, sisters, friends, and confidants.

I love you, M!

Kind of a sad day

It's amazing how I am completely affected by others' reactions, perceptions, and treatment of me.


Everyone wants to have approval. I'm sure of this, because we live in a world of HUMANS. However, we don't need everyone's approval. Just some. And hopefully, from those that we love and respect.

I'm trying not to let it rule my life. I'm trying to stop myself from crying and eating lots of comfort food when I have lost someone's respect. Golly, even when I've lost a sliver of approval, really. I'm trying not to let it get me down, but it sure is hard to see yourself as a disappointment to somebody. The crazy part is, I may not have disappointed anyone. I may still have their respect. But when I feel that maybe I have lost it, there go the symptoms of clinical depression again.

~sigh~ Could you please pass the bag of chips?

Ode to my Brothers...

Here are my brothers (and me). The only person missing is my sister. I wish she could have been here, but, alas, Utah is far away and she is a busy mom (who's having another boy!! Yahoo!!). I'll write about my sister another time. Today, I'll write about my brothers.

It's amazing how time flies. It seems like yesterday my brother D was making fun of me (oh, wait. It was yesterday! :) ) and getting annoyed that his friends wanted to date me. And wasn't it yesterday when brother J was riding his bike around the neighborhood and getting grossed out whenever I kissed my boyfriend? I mean, husband?

Now D is going to Iraq. He leaves next month, and I have to say, despite my quiet and peaceful demeanor about the situation, I'm devastated. He and I have not always been close, but I'm a mess inside thinking about him going off to War. His wife and son live close to us here in California, and for both of our sakes, I'm so glad. I know she'll need a ton of support --but so will I. Regardless of how little D and I talk now-a-days, I'm going to miss him so much. And I'm terrified. I pray so hard that he'll be safe.

J is going to BYU-Idaho. At least that is safer! He's home, fresh from his mission in Costa Rica and doing well. He's still a little punk (always and forever, bubba! Bring it on!), but he's also grown up so much. I can't believe the little guy is old enough to marry. I hope that whoever he picks to be his wife will be an amazing woman. We need another strong woman in the family (to match the rest of us!), and one that can handle all our craziness.

Here's to my baby brothers. I'll love 'em forever!

Happy Easter!

Easter is changing. For the better! More people are becoming focused upon the reason for Easter, and putting aside the secular parts (i.e. Easter Bunny, egg hunts, candy, etc.) in favor of something more spiritual, more peace and life-affirming.

As I've heard about others' attempts to do this, I've found my lazy attitude to change the way I celebrate the Most-important-event-in-the-history-of-mankind quite disappointing.
In order to rid myself of the guilt, I've done a few things this year:

• Continued the truth that was revealed last year by #1: The Easter Bunny is NOT real and we just leave baskets for fun.


• Had the children watch the 2003 Ensign's DVD on the life and death of Christ this morning


• Asked the children, last night, why they think we celebrate Easter. My heart was overflowing with joy when #2 said "Because Jesus died and then was Wezawected"


• Watched, over and over, the Music and the Spoken Word where they sung a new piece that was written (lyrics) by my friend and former Bishop, David Warner. :)

I love Easter because it magnifies sadness turning to Joy. It's purely that simple. I hope my attempts to teach my children about our Savior will not be in vain. I pray for them that they will know and trust Christ, just as I do.

11 ¶ But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre, 12 And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain. 13 And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him. 14 And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus. 15 Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away. 16 Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.

--John, Chapter 20:11-16

Day in SF

We spent a good day in SF with my parents, brother, and SIL on Wednesday. We didn't "do" too much --there's too much to do! But we did spend a great day at Pier 39, Fisherman's Wharf and Ghiradelli Square (ice cream....yummmmm.....). We saw the sea lions that hang out near Pier 39 and, of course, you can see Alcatraz in the bay (behind me). #1 had school, and so she didn't come, but #2 and #3 seemed to have a great time. Hopefully we'll go back soon, this time with DH and #1. Or just DH and me. Yeah. Just us...hmmm...I'm thinking we need to go out on a date soon. I'm going through with drawls...

The dumbest thing I ever did (well, one of the big ones, anyway)

(Disclaimer: This subject makes me feel stupid because it was probably the dumbest thing I ever did. So bear with me.)



"Honey, they took out another $333.00!"

"Who did?"

"That scrapbooking company or whatever!"

"They did?!?!"

So, last spring, I let in some solicitors. I know, I know. Not very smart. Pretty stupid, really. Anywhosers, I let them in because they were doing something I thought was awesome. They are an "archiving" company. They take all your scrapbooks, unscrapbooked pictures, VCR tapes, home-videos, special documents, etc. etc. and they copy them. Anything you want! They have this awesome copier that does it very quickly. After it's all copied, they archive them onto CD's and DVD's and then store some in their own "vault". It's all legit (still is, I believe), and so I let them in, thinking "wow! If there was a fire, everything would be saved!" I proceeded to let them take my scrapbooks and videos to copy them at their place of business, which was about a mile from my house.

They brought it all back in pieces. Every scrapbook had been taken apart so that things the SAME SIZE would be copied together. So it would be easier to copy. Easier. For them. (And months and months later, my mother --my mother--has to put the books back together for me because I'm still reeling from what they did and just don't have time to fix it all).

Then the bill came. $2,000.00!! I am not joking. Nearly 2 grand for those 20 CD's and DVD's that I don't look through, nor are they organized. It's just a bunch of stuff scanned onto CD's. Out of order. All willy-nilly to the wind.

That's where the denial part of me set in. "Okay, okay. No big deal. I signed a thing. I have to pay for what they did. How can do this easily?" So I set it up with the company to pay monthly for 12 months. No big deal. I teach piano lessons. I can pay for this. DH doesn't have to be mad.

Of course, none of this would have happened if I had just discussed with him first. But, no! I had to make my own decision! I was being "responsible!" I was "being my own person" and all that crap.

So, back in Sept. DH asks "Hey, what's this bill?" and points to some weird name. I assume it's the copier/ruin-my-life-why-dontcha! company.

Now back to the above conversation (from 2 days ago). I'm freaking out. FREAKING out. And DH is not happy that they've taken almost $4,000.00 already! WHAT?!?!!? So I find the receipt. I email them. I call them. They aren't open. They aren't responding. DH and I are both FREAKING out. And, of course, we're taking it out on each other. Being rude. Snippy. And just plain mad. I leave to take a shower before the children think we're crazy.

As soon as I get out of the shower, DH says: "Ummm...honey? Well, uh, I looked again at that statement and realized this company name is taking money from our checking account, not the credit card account. Ummm....it's our Roth IRA, not that scrapbooking company-thing. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"And I only have record that they've taken 2 payments, instead of 12!" (okay, well, we didn't realize they'd only taken 2 payments at the time; we thought they hadn't taken any, until we researched some more. But it makes the story flow better if we imagine that we knew that information to begin with. Yeah.)

"SWEET!"

So, there you have it. I learned 4 things from this experience:

1. NEVER let in solicitors. NEVER! Even if they are 12 and selling candy. Just shut the door!
2. Always discuss big issues with DH. Even if you know he'll say no and you really, really, really want to do it. Because he knows to think about it first. More than 30 seconds of thinking...
3. Read the banking statements carefully before you accuse your wife --I mean, spouse --of allowing all your money to be taken away slowly and painfully...
4. Never fight with DH on conference weekend over something incredibly temporal. Especially if you can work through it together. Or if a miracle happens and the subject of the fighting doesn't even exist...

Too many things...

...to think about and post about....

• THANK YOU AUNT CARRIE!!! I now have clothing that makes me look somewhat attractive and put-together. Thank you for the advice! The shopping! The laughing! Come visit us again, soon! (oh, and I'll get those earrings and the bear pillow in the mail!)
• Love Conference. Love it, love it, love it!
• My PVC's have come back. Yuck. I hope that I can get rid of them with exercise. When I start to exercise. Someday. Soon. In the near future. Hopefully. Soon. Very. Soon.
• My parents and brother are coming to visit tomorrow! So much to clean! So little time!
• The MoTab Choir is amazing. I love watching them and listening to them. Plus, I get to see my uncle each week. Yay, Uncle B!
• #2 is on this "do what I want" kick. She's throwing back the "if you don't do this, then you don't get this" type of discipline we parents often use on our children. For example, yesterday I told her she needed to finish what she had on her plate before I gave her more. Her answer? "Mom, if you don't give me what I want, then I won't eat what's on my plate." Sassy little girl! But you do have to give her props...
• DH and I were arguing yesterday over something worth arguing over. And then, when it was discovered that the argument was moot, we had a good laugh...and then....hmmm....maybe I'll actually post this argument.....it's a great story....
• I love California weather. It just rocks.