California, Here I Come...

I'm headin' towards Cali today for my SIL's wedding and a family reunion/campout. So, blogging will probably be put on hold for a week or more.

P.S. I just wanted to thank all of you that prayed for my friend J's daughter. She came out of her surgery just fine and is making a full recovery. Thanks!!

We are hoping that this one stays...

I am 11 weeks along.

There is no guarantee that this baby will stay. There is no guarantee that I will not end up in the ER like I did in April with another miscarriage. There is no guarantee that I will have a baby on Valentine's Day at precisely 40 weeks. And there is no guarantee that I will ever again be able to have confidence and comfort that this baby will be all right even if he/she lasts until 40 weeks.

I've never been so scared before. I never knew how vulnerable I was. And I never knew how utterly helpless I am.

My miscarriage in April has taught me the following:

• I have no control. God is in control and He will give and take as He pleases.
• God loves me. He knows what I need and when I need it --He prepared me for the miscarriage, and He miraculously allowed us to conceive very soon thereafter, although it should have been impossible.
• I never knew how frightened I could be over something that I have no control over.
• I know that I am not alone. Many, many, many women have experienced this and most on a much larger and harsher scale. I am not alone.

I don't think I will ever be the same. With my first three babies, the confidence level, the joy, and the immediate love was high, high, high. Right now, I am having a hard time rejoicing over something that we have wanted for a long time. It's hard to get excited over something that could be taken away from us so easily. But shouldn't that make it more fragile? More loved? More hoped for?

Will I ever be able to love my pregnancies again? Will I ever be able to NOT worry again? How does anyone handle something like this?

P.S. DISCLAIMER: Some will think it's premature of me to be announcing this so early. But I am already in some maternity-wear and have been for a week now. And instead of making any kind of an announcement vocally, people can read about it here. Hmmm...maybe this will really show me who reads my blog and who doesn't... :)

I love my DH

DH and I have been married for 7 1/2 years now (plus a few days). We've been in love for 8 1/2, and that seems so long. Okay, it seems long to us, but I guess it wouldn't seem long to my G and G who have been married over 50 years.

Anyways, I wanted to write a small tribute to him (I'm in the mushy mood, what with this being wedding season and so many people we know and love are getting married --love you, bren!!). Here are the reasons why DH and I are meant for each other:

1. I am out-of-control punctual. DH is usually late for something. Somehow we cancel each other out, and the stress is less...
2. DH and I love music of all kinds and enjoy a nice jamming session for FHE (starring our children as we all sing Primary song after Primary song)
3. DH is always motivated to work hard and try something new. Once he chooses a new talent to work on, he tries to master it before moving onto something else. This is why he can now play great blues guitar, beat me in chess EVERY time, is scuba certified, and wants to be on the Search and Rescue team for the county. Also, because of this, he has helped me to be more open to new things. Until I met DH I had NEVER IN MY LIFE done the following: Eaten sushi, flown on a plane (no joke!), snorkeled, eaten snails, been to Hawaii and Mexico, been snow skiing, been parasailing, ridden on more than ONE roller coaster, and eaten Thai or Indian food. Yeah --he's pretty much done cultured me! :)
4. With that said, I have taught him the importance of: Barbra Striesand, old black and white movies starring Cary Grant, the theater, jazz music, Jane Austen, Musicals, Clean toilets, organized files, and talking. Hmmm....yeah. Don't rub it in....I know he wins... :)
5. DH and I can read each other's minds so well it's almost crazy. I will mention something, in code because the kiddies are in the room, and he will know exactly what I'm referring to, even if it's a new subject about something random from the day before. Scary....
6. We have this unspoken sense about us that always knows no matter what, we will be there for each other. I'm sure most couples feel this, but its' presence is very comforting.
7. We are both RED type personalities. I'm a RED/BLUE and he is a RED/YELLOW. This makes for some very good arguments, but we sure have a ton of fun together.
8. DH helps me to see that some things don't actually have to be talked about. Hashing it out, if it won't solve anything, could cause more damage. I help DH to see that NOT talking about something can damage it, too. We help balance the scales of "talking" and therapy with each other. :)
9. DH is the best dad ever. He plays baseball with them, takes them to the store just so they can look at all the toys and/or buy a boardgame. He takes them to basketball games, baseball games, and would take them to football games if I didn't love it so much. He reads to them each night, and still gives piggy-back rides, even when he's tired. He's firm with them when he needs to be, but he's always the one they want the most, so you know he loves them and they sure love him.
10. DH keeps me calm. He stems the tide of SHOUTING that explodes from me almost daily. He teaches me to be patient and kind --he puts things in great perspectives. DH is my rock and the man I need to keep me from myself. He tries so hard to bring out the best in me --it's hard to see if I have had any good influence on him because he seems to be so much better for me...hmmm...don't tell him that! I don't want him to think that somehow he married down....OOHHH!!!

Funny story!!!

DH was giving the "response" at our wedding luncheon. He stood and was so cute and said: "I'm at a loss for words....For those of you that were in the Temple Sealing, the Sealer talked about how I was marrying up, which couldn't be any FURTHER from the truth.....ah...wait!" And the whole room was roaring with laughter. He corrected himself (thanks to uncle t) and said "closer! Closer!" and then tried to stop and sit down. :) But he finished it beautifully. I sure love that guy...

DH --I LOVE YOU!!

Prayer Request

My running friend, "J" needs our help.

Her daughter is having brain surgery tomorrow at Primary Children's Hospital. Please, if you will, pray for her. Pray that her daughter will come out of this surgery unscathed, that the doctors will solve the problem, and that her daughter will remain the beautiful little 3 year old that we all know and love. Please, please, pray for her! Every prayer in her behalf will help --I know it will.

Thanks!

Cuties...

This was taken after Canada, but I'm not sure when...I just have to show them because they are the cutest things ever...even when they are fighting over who gets to be in the middle...

Glad to have DH home again...

I've had a fun week --it's been exhausting, but you wouldn't know that from the lack of things I actually did.

DH was at Scout Camp all week. Here's what we did (the kiddies and I):

• Cleaned the house like crazy on Monday (see previous post)
• Had some friends over on Tuesday (my friend and her children that happen to be the same age as my children --more or less)
• One of my best friends whom I hadn't seen in a year came over Wednesday.
• My mom and sis and nephew came Wed and stayed through until Friday
• Wed. night #1 and I went to a wedding reception. Fun!!
• Thursday we picked apricots, went swimming, and then the adults went to dinner/shopping (I got new shoes!) while the kids stayed with sitters.
• Friday, my mom and sis left and then we had another LAZY DAY.
• DH came home on Saturday

It's great to have DH home. It's hard when he leaves, and I get torn emotionally between all the tasks that I have to do --and even though he works all day and has to be gone for his calling, there's just something to be said for his presence at night and in the mornings. Seriously, I have no idea how single moms do it. I'm so grateful for DH and his amazing support. I'm glad he's home...

Cleanliness defined only by absence?

With DH gone at Scout Camp all week (was up at 3AM, gone at 5AM, back at 7AM to say "bye" to the kiddies and gone again), I have time, so it seems, to do the things I don't normally do. I did them today. In order:

1. After vacuuming the living room carpet, I got out my "spot-shot" and went to it. Now the carpet no longer needs to be cleaned. Wait, scratch that. Now the carpet no longer looks like it needs to be cleaned.
2. I did 8 loads of laundry
3. I vacuumed behind all the couches in the basement (family room and play room!)
4. I helped the kids clean the playroom without too much yelling --I really was patient and I was surprised, but there was no "daddy will be here soon!" deadline to convince them to work faster (and myself). I figured we get done whenever we got done.

Yes, this sounds pathetic, I know. (DH is gone for a week and all I want to do is clean?)It really is, but I've realized something. MY HOUSE IS CLEANER WHEN DH IS GONE! Every weekend, my home looks like a war zone. By Tuesday, I'll actually let the VT in again. But come Sunday! I've tried to figure out why and I came to these conclusions:

• DH really doesn't like to clean (who does??!?!)
• I would rather spend time with him than clean
• He would rather spend time with me than clean

Makes sense to me. But it's still hard. I'm positive that all of the Scout leaders in our ward think I am the messiest woman in the world. They only show up on weekends. Why can't they be here now? Huh??!??! Oh, yeah....Scout Camp. I wonder if their wives are cleaning, too....

Conquering Myself

This picture is old. Well, old as in outdated. You can tell because #3 over there in my right arm is almost 2 years old now.

We have another family picture that was taken last June, but I don't have the heart to post it. I'm not going to lie and say it is a bad picture, because it's actually kind of nice. The five of us in our cliched white shirts with jeans in an Aspen forest, sitting on a fallen log...it's almost too nice. Except for one thing: FAT CHERYL

I have come to grips in the last few months that changing the way I feel about myself is not going to be an easy thing. I have also come to the conclusion that sitting around whining about it doesn't work either. Hence WW and running my 5K. Losing what I have so far really has changed my life tremendously. I'm not anywhere near where I was post-baby #1 (seriously, I was hot), but I am much thinner now than I was one year ago, when the Aspen-tree picture was taken.

What surprises me the most is how much I let others influence my thoughts about myself. I see beautiful women everywhere. The single college girls don't bother me. I mean, I used to be one of them, right? And what are the chances that they will become like me? Pretty good --statistically speaking. It's the women that have more than 2 children that are thin, beautiful, dress amazingly well and yet still seem to have time to do everything else. And THAT my friends, is the rub.

TIME. Time to love me. Time to take care of me. I forget that taking the time to take care of my body can do nothing but help my children. Case in point: Imagine, if you will, me coming home from Canada. I'm tired, my house is a disaster area (how did that happen in 3 minutes?), and I can't think coherently for more than 10 seconds at a time. So how do I spend the next 8 days? SITTING ON THE COUCH. WATCHING TV. SITTING THERE. WATCHING. I'm serious! Have I ever felt more guilty? Have I ever felt more gross? Have I ever felt more depressed? (okay, yes --postpartum was worse.) And have I ever wanted to just scream and start over? You would think, that after running that 5K and getting into the groove of health that I would be unstoppable. Oh, no people! Satan knows when to strike, and that is when you are tired and weak. And how does this help my children? That they are being ignored while I watch another re-run of Gilmore Girls? How does it help them that mommy is a zombie and doesn't really feel like opening up that can of Ravioli? How? How? HOW!?!?!?!

So today, I resolve to begin again. Yes! I shall conquer my demons and shall put away my lazy lifestyle. The TV will remain off for 90% of the day (can't punish the kids, too, now can we?) and I will begin my exercising with J again. Does it matter that DH has Scout Camp and will be gone all week? No! I shall find a stalwart YW in my ward who needs a little cash that like to babysit at 6AM! Does it matter that I haven't run since the 5K? No! I shall conquer my fears and shall be as I was! Does it matter that my children have been enjoying too much independence and might not like a mother who is around? No! They will learn to love it!

(~sigh~whimper!)

Blurting

Hi. My name is Cheryl, and I am a blurter. I have been a blurter most of my life, and I don't know how to stop. Help. me. please?

Yes, yes, I have been known (by pretty much everyone I have ever been in any type of conact with, whether you are my mother or the bank-teller person) as someone who tends to speak her mind. I am not afraid of this label, but at times, it is a sad, sad thing. I will sometimes move from mood to mood with the idea that I will never blurt what I am thinking ever again, and then back to the format that speaking my mind makes me independent and confident.

The problem with my blurting is my inability to see it as it is --blurting. This is not some though-provoking statement, this is blurting. I am not helping the air. I think I am, but usually I am not. Usually, I do not see that I am a blurter, and someone, if they feel strong enough, will have to point it out to me.

I've often wondered if this stems from genetics. Was I born with the incessant need to speak? Did I learn it in childhood? Is it because I am a first-born? Or perhaps society, with it's need to create diversity amongst it's throngs of people shaped my craving for blurting?

All I do know about my blurting, however, is beginning to change how I blurt. Some may say that terms such as "thoughtful blurting" do not exist and I would challenge them to say that they do! Thinking before blurting does seem ironic --almost an oxymoron --but I have somehow honed this skill to near perfection. Here is a scenario:

DH: "So, I'm thinking that we should do this with the kids, blah, blah, blah"
Me: "Hey, was so-and-so in that movie, too?"
DH: "what?!?? where did that come from?"
Me: "Oh, you said this about the kids and then I thought this which lead to this and then this and then the movie"
DH: "oh. You confuse me"

See! See! I blurted, but I had thought long and hard about what I was going to say.

But, alas, my worst blurting occurs when I forget to think about the person I'm talking to and their feelings. This is the blurting that I'm trying to overcome. It's the hardest one, and yet would seem to be the easiest, right? The problem is that I THINK I'm being considerate, when in fact, if I thought FURTHER I would realize that I am NOT being considerate at all. Oh, the irony! It's like my Thoughtful blurting....

Next time, our session will be about rambling. Hi, I'm Cheryl, and I'm a rambler....

Pictures from Canada...(mostly taken by DH--he's great!)

CANADA

"Oh, Canada! Our Home and Native Land...."

I LOVE Canada. True and through. I really do! And a lot of it has to do with the fact that my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents are/were Canadian. Growing up we would go there every single summer --sometimes twice. We would drive in our fabulous mini-van and stop at the exact same rest stops and gas stations along the way. We always knew that mom would pack a lunch for the 9 hour drive (sometimes 8), and we DID NOT have a DVD player. But we looked forward to these trips every year because we knew what awaited us:

1. Grandma and Grandpa S and their backyard, complete with a sandbox, swingset, great climbing trees, barbeques, and fabulous board games.
2. Grandma and Grandpa St and their dress-ups, scrapbooks, angel food cake, and the empty lot where we would find dinosaur bones! Okay, cow bones, but we thought they were dinosaur!
3. Waterton National Park. Waterton will always and forever NEVER be boring. I could go to Waterton every month and still love it each time.
4. Canada Day --my brother's birthday and Canada's National Holiday. I grew up celebrating Canada Day more often than the 4th of July. I'm still very American and love my country, but Canada is a part of me and so I feel some patriotism towards the Great White North as well.
5. Seeing all the cousins that we never got to see in the States...that was AWESOME!
6. Going to the same parks, swimming pools, and lakes that my parents did when they were kids.
7. Other sites like, Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, Writing on Stone, Indian Battle Park, and of course, the house where Grandma S was born in Stirling.
8. Watching the Raymond Canada Day parade. (One year, I was in it!)
9. Attending the Cardston Temple where my parents and grandparents were married (and most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins). Of course, I could never do that until after I had been married myself, but now it's a tradition I love.
10. Occassional trips to Banff, Calgary (what a zoo!), and once I even made it to Edmonton. :)

Now I take my kids. Usually every year, although DH can rarely make it. However, this year he did! And it was fabulous. The kids were great driving there (how did my parents survive without the DVD player?!??!) and back, and really did well the entire week. Here's the synopsis:

SUNDAY (25th) --We were already in Idaho, and left at 4AM...we got to Lethbridge by 1PM, even with the 40 minute wait at the border (Hello!!??!? Open up another window!!!)

MONDAY (26th) --DH and my uncle went golfing --my sister and I had fun at the park with the kiddies. Then we all (my parents, sis, kids, etc.) went to Henderson Lake for the afternoon. Ahhh, Henderson Lake.....~sigh~ That night DH, the kiddies and I went to see my longest (she's not "old" so oldest sounds dumb) known friend and her family. Fun!!

TUESDAY (27th) --Nice, lazy morning...then dropped all kids off at my Aunt's in Raymond and we did a session in the Temple. First time that all of my dad's brothers were in the Temple with their parents since 1994. Really, really cool.

WEDNESDAY (28th) --WATERTON!! Oooh, oooh! I hiked Bear's Hump! Haven't done that one for a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG time. Totally worth it...

THURSDAY (29TH) --My Dad's 50th Birthday. My BIL and DH went fly fishing with my uncle all day and had a blast. My sis and I went with our parents to Raymond and spent some time at the cemetary where half of my blood line is buried. Saw my Grandpa ST's grave and remembered how much I miss him...Later, we got some babysitters for the kids and all the adults went out to dinner for my dad's b-day and then back to Gr and Gr S's for cake. Yay! Fun date night!

FRIDAY (30th) -- My sis and I went to lunch with some girlfriends (my "longest" friend and her sister) without the kids. It was fabulous. We went to a great Japanese tea house and it was yummy, yummy, yummy! After, hubbies and us took the kids swimming at Nicholas Sheran (did I spell that right?) indoor pool --man, was that full of memories! But it used to be much bigger... hmmm.... For dinner we had a big family barbeque (actually, we just did pizza) in my Aunt's backyard. It was way fun --and I even convinced my cousin to sing for us (she's a music major at U of Lethbridge). Lyrical soprano she is, and man is she great! :)

SATURDAY (1st) --CANADA DAY!!! We all hopped in our cars and went to my mom's sister's place in Raymond for the parade. It was so fun --and they still throw candy. Well, I guess it's safer to throw candy on streets that are wide enough for 4 horse-drawn wagons to go down them and a population swell of maybe --maybe -- 8,000 people. The Freedom Festival Parade in Provo on the 4th has throngs of hundreds of thousands of people. I guess throwing candy would not be particularly safe....ANYWAYS...the kids loved it and it was a beautiful day. We then stayed for a real barbeque in my aunt's yard --yum! And DH even barbequed up his trout that he had caught Thursday morning. For the dinner gathering that night, we celebrated (oh, and this was the PURPOSE of us coming) my Grandpa's 80th birthday (which was back in March) with a big family dinner, cake, and this awesome book my mom and dad put together for him. All the sons and the grandkids wrote memories of Grandpa and it was compiled together in a binder with pictures. It was interesting to see how many of the memories were similar. We love you, Grandpa!

Well, that was it. Sunday morning we left for home at 4AM and made it back by 5PM. It was a great vacation and wonderful, wonderful, wonderful to have DH there the entire time. Man, parenting is so much easier with the two of us!

P.S. I feel stupid, but trying to figure out this whole picture thing isn't working...I think I will have to add another post with just pictures....someday I'll get this all figured out!!

5K and Canada!

Holy Cow! I've had so many people telling me they are checking my blog to see how I did on the 5K and when I'll be back from Canada. That's great! But wouldn't even be better if all you people left comments on my blog so I knew you were actually reading? Yes! That would be awesome!!

Okay, okay....if you haven't already figured it out, I am back from Canada. But we'll get to that later. First, here is the synopsis of the race:

J and I arrived at Thanksgiving Point and our hubbies with our kids were coming later. They bused us up to the starting line and the race actually started almost 30 minutes late. No biggie, but we were so nervous as it was, and waiting around was not helping, people!! Just before the race did start, they released beautiful doves in memory of all the babies and lost loved-ones the runners had lost. For more about that...go here. Then the race started.

Off we went, running through the gorgeous gardens and trying not to run people over or get run over ourselves. The racers finally spread out, and we maintained our comfortable running speed. At a few points in the race I would say "J, tell me a story!" to keep me going, and she would do the same to me. Luckily, 5K's are really not that long, and so it was over pretty quick....

The best part was coming around the corner with .1 miles to go and seeing our kids and our fabulous husbands with the cameras flashing. J and I were choking back tears as we finally crossed the finish line (our time was approx. 37:15).

It may seem silly to some people that two grown mothers would be crying over 3.2 miles. I mean, it's not even close to the marathons that my cousins do. But for us, it was probably one of the biggest hurdles we have ever jumped over. We're already planning our next goal!

P.S. Picture --J is on the left and I'm in the hot red pants.. :)

CANADA....well, I'm going to have to do a different blog on that one, because there are so many details about our vacation...stay tuned for that one....it may even be tonight!