The Unread Cheryl

Well, it's obvious now that my blog reaches about 2 people.

I only know this because they email me personally about something I've typed, rather than comment on my blogs. That's fine, although commenting can be anonymous. And I guess I shouldn't be bothered by it, because then we get to talk about more than what was written in one blog.

I'm still trying to figure out why it bothers me that nobody reads my blogs. Well, it seems as if nobody reads them. Quite often I will refrain from typing something offensive to somebody because I'm sure they might read it. But will they? Does anyone?

Now I'm not trying to be daring young mom. (see www.daringyoungmom.blogspot.com) Or any other infamous and dedicated blogger. But I do notice that on others' blogs, people do comment. A lot. Well, a lot more than on mine (which, at most, is maybe 2 comments every 7 posts).

Ahh, the pity party I'm putting myself through. ~sigh~ Well, I guess it really doesn't matter if nobody reads my personal blogs. The reason I do it is to get my thoughts out there--to write them down and just rid myself of excess emotion and baggage --and maybe hope that someone out there understands a little bit of what I go through every day.

I think I need Therapy

How do I channel mis-placed anger and turn it into forgiveness and kindness?

How do I stop from yelling at my kids? Constant out-of-control yelling?

How do I stop from freaking out over small things?

How do I forgive my DH for things he doesn't even know he does?

How do I take control of my life again? It's kind of like my funk (see earlier post). But this is something that has been happening for years and years and years and I can't seem to fix any of it. The problems just keep getting bigger and more complex and I'm being pulled in a thousand directions and I can't remember where or when it all started.

I just know I need help. I want to be who I was but with all the joys of marriage and children. Is that where the problem lies? To think I can be that happy person I was? Do I need to be different?

Does anyone know a good therapist out there? Inexpensive? Hey, maybe it could just be a fabulous comment! :) Seriously, though people, I need help.

Or maybe I'm just too dramatic for my own good....

They are coming!!

After being apart for 2 years, they are finally moving back!

It's hard to say good-bye to those friends that have been with you through it all --P and L have been friends with DH for a long time, and I met L on DH's and my first date. P started working for DH while DH and I were dating, and after our wedding, P and L started dating. They were married a short time later and we've been the best of friends ever since.

We've seen each other through different jobs, wards, apartments, children, sickness, hard times, good times, etc. etc. When my water broke with #1, they were on their way to our apartment with pizza --and ended up eating it with us at the hospital instead.

When they moved, we were quite sad. Pretty depressed, really. We tried to make friends with other people --invited couples over for dinner, games, etc. And although we do have some pretty good friends now, it's still not the same. There's still not that closeness that was there. Perhaps that comes when you experience many "firsts" together. All in all, it was really hard to see them leave and only speak to them occasionally.

They moved back to Cali and we stayed in UT. But, after 2 years, they have decided to repent (LOL!) and move back! In fact, the apartment they got is only a couple of miles from our home. YAY!

I can't wait to see them... :) Today is the day!

How to get your kids to eat Spinach....

I can't believe it. I still cannot believe it.

I made Quiche tonight. Or maybe it was a Frittata. Whatever it was, it was that delicious egg casserole dish that women serve at all their enrichment parties, book clubs, and luncheons. Personally, I love the stuff, and so I thought I'd try it with my kids.

I made it with eggs (duh!), cheese, bacon (real bacon, yes I will admit it), green onions, and spinach. Lots of it. Almost the whole bag!

And they ate it. They ate it! They ate A LOT of it! My picky, picky #2 ate one slice. #1 ate 2 1/2 slices. #3 ate 3 whole slices. I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I had even told them what was in it. And they still tried it and they loved it.

I found a way to get them to eat something green! I'm still so excited (not that you can tell)!
Yay! Quiche rules!

Crazy #3

#1 and #2 never had any problems with curiosity like #3 has. Oh, and #1 and #2 are girls, while #3 is my only boy. (so far)

He is crazy! A good kind of crazy, although I often wonder if I'll be the one that goes crazy. He gets into everything, throws everything, and tries to climb everything. So, of course, everything has to be "baby-proofed" tens times more than when I baby-proofed for my girls. The cabinet you see him opening? Not locked shut. So, we had to re-proof. Every door in the entire house? Good ol' door-knob thing-a-ma-jingers. Every cabinet? Locked. All things digital or otherwise takes batteries? Hiding. He has really kept us on our toes, but I have to say that the journey has been a delightful one. No matter how many times I have to run across the room to save him, or an object, I still enjoy having the adorable guy around. Especially when he gives me those wet kisses. Ooh, I just love those kisses!

Spontaneous weekend

Thursday night I decided I wanted to go away. Not far, but have a few days away from home and just do something spontaneous.

So, Friday morning I packed the kids and our stuff in the car and we drove to Logan. After spending a few wonderful hours with my sister and her husband and my adorable nephew, my sister packed her kid and their stuff in my car and we drove to Blackfoot to visit our parents. We had a great time, the kids were SOOOO excited to see Grandma and Grandpa, and of course, my sister and I had a good time eating free food. :) We left today around 2:30PM and so in the course of 48 hours, I drove for a good 7 of them. Ahh, but the mountains were beautiful and so was the good ol' Snake River valley.

We got home in time for dinner ---DH had cleaned the house ("Poomba" does good work!) and ordered dinner. But he is sick, and now I know why I'm feeling the beginnings of a sore throat. Let the sickness begin again!!

But all in all, it was a nice few days, and it was so wonderful to just up and leave for a while. DH had so much work to do, that he hardly noticed we were gone, so it was a positive for both of us. I think I need to be more spontaneous sometimes. I plan my life too well sometimes, and the best times I have are when I just say, "Hey, kids! Let's go do this!"

"Poomba"

DH bought a Roomba.

For those not knowing what this is (I admit I didn't either) it is the robot vaccuum. Vacuum? Vaccum? How do you spell vaccuum?!?!? Anyways, it does the...vac....cleaning by itself.

It's actually pretty cool! It'll vac...clean the whole upstairs, wood or carpet, and sweep up everything (except large objects your regular vac...cleaner won't pick up) and then it'll go back to its "Home" when it is finished. It won't go over stairs, and you can set up a lazer thing that will act like a wall so it won't go down hallways or into certain rooms. It's small and so it goes under the beds and in hard to reach places.

I was skeptical at first. I can vac..so much faster on my own! But we can turn this on at night and it'll do everything for us. So, I'm getting converted. And the kids think it's fun.

Oh, and DH lovingly named it "Poomba" (the kids LOVE the Lion King movie...).

Hating blogging today

I hate the whole blogging thing now.

If you are completely honest with yourself and with the people you blog with, then there will be major trouble. I thought, seriously! that by blogging I would not be able to insult or hurt people because we can't see each other --we can't judge each other. But I was wrong.

Please see: www.talesfromthecrib.blogspot.com and go to the one "The Friend goes Freaky".

What sucks is that carrie and todd are my aunt and uncle. By marriage. And what's worse is that they are 10 billion times smarter than me. And better looking. And geniunally nicer. Oh, and successful. Hmmm..for a comparison, they are diamonds and I'm cubic zirconium. Is that how you spell zirconium?

Anyways, I think I hate blogging now. Because that was something I wanted to avoid. I hate confrontation. And it really wasn't that big of a confronatation! Yet I'm here! Crying! Typing this blog and wondering what my problem is that I could get so upset over something so silly! I guess it's worse because they are family --but they are IN-LAW family. The worst kind. The kind that don't have to love you. The kind that are forced to try to like you.

I hate people hating me. Or lecturing me. Or telling me I'm wrong. What I hate even more is finding out that I hurt someone. Especially if I didn't mean to.

~sigh~ I'll get over it. I'll be back to making comments again. But I'll sure think twice before I make a comment that actually DISAGREES with the post. So much pressure!!

Update on the NON-herpes

Okay, it's not herpes.

Well, the dr. thought it was, and I spoke with my other dr. today (yay! He's in my ward!) and he believes it's SHINGLES. Oh, yes, because this is so much better than herpes!

At least shingles makes sense. I had chicken pox when I was....was....really young. Hmmm..when did I have chicken pox? Anyways, I had the pox and then a strain of that virus stayed dormant for 15-20 years (according to the dr. ) and then, because of stress, the virus has flaired up and left its mark across my upper right forhead which has caused my lymphnodes to expand and thus cause headaches. It will go away on its own eventually and I need to be grateful it's not the worst kind --the kind that constantly burns and makes me want to cut off my head.

Here's to not cutting off my head!!!

What I am

I've been pondering lately --over the last few months, anyways --about who I am, and what I think about myself. Being a mother and wife can sometimes blur the lines of who I truly am inside --or who I was, or who I want to be. So, I've decided to make a list of all the things that I know I am inside. It's kind of awakening my identity --reminding myself of my unique character.

I am:

A music lover
A piano accompanist
An average singer
A voracious reader of good, honest, well written literature
One who laughs
One who yells
One who expresses herself through noise
A mountain lover
A forest lover
A beach lover
Not a desert lover
Lazy on some days
A hard worker on most days
Happiest when life is clean, orderly, and my children are laughing
A Mormon
An oldest child
A daughter of my Heavenly Father
Tall
Overweight and upset that it does define how I react to things
A walker
A friend, although most people never know how good of a friend I can be
Madly in love with my Husband
Very bossy at times
A leader
A mother
A wife
A person with opinions
A person with opinions that matter to me
More than a first impression
Greater than my weaknesses
Weaker than my greatness
An awkward dancer
Always tired
A worrier
Grateful for blessings
Grateful for happiness
Trying to be grateful for challenges
A person who laughs
A person who wants others to laugh
A person not afraid to laugh at myself
Who I am

Herpes?!?!??!!

OH MY HECK. I have herpes. No, not that type of herpes, come on people! I'm talking the ugly virus that attacks the skin --and its on my FACE. My face. My forehead to be exact and one of my "nodes" has swollen to the size of a cherry tomato and HURTS. The actual rash itself doesn't hurt, but it's ugly. UGLY.

So, off to the doctor I went and he gave me ointment and pills and it should be cleared away and life will be happier by tomorrow. I hope! The ointment is starting to work and my rash is going away, but my "node" is still swollen and very sore.

~sigh~ I've decided that if I'm not sick, then I'm not myself. It's either my allergies, or my asthma, or my heart arrhythmias, or a cold, or a sinus infection, or strep throat, or herpes.

I know I should count my blessings --I know there are so many other people that are suffering with worse things and terrible diseases, but I just want to be healthy again. I definitely appreciate health now --that's for sure!

But herpes?!??!

WALKING!

I finally found a walking partner! Yay!

We started this morning at 6AM. Yep, 6AM, baby! It's the only time that works in our busy lives as mothers. It was freezing cold, but well worth it! The time went by so quickly --it was wonderful to have someone to talk with.

What's even better is that we share the same weight goal, the same ideas about exercise, and we're both very committed to making it work. Yay! I love walking...

Now I can't wait for that Pedometer (did I spell that right?) to come in the mail! :)

Where is my Spring?

The winter is starting to wear on me. Anyone else? We get a few days of sunshine, and then the clouds roll in for a week. ARGH! I want the sun! March 1st -5th was looking good. Not now.

You would think, having lived my entire life between Idaho, Utah, and Canada (okay, Canada is a stretch, but I go there A LOT) that winter would excite me. The problem is that I cannot:

A) Ice Skate

B) Ski or Snowboard

Yes, I know, it's quite sad. The only things I love about winter are warm cozy fireplaces and hot chocolate and romantic movies. Oh, and Christmas. Love Christmas! But this lasts about 2 months. Nov-Dec. Love winter. Exciting. Leaves changing, first snow, first cuddly sweater.

Then I'm done. Usually around mid-Jan.

Because of this, parts of me want to move to DH's stomping grounds of So. Cali. (like this photo of me last year at the beach). Glorious weather year-round! Being outside year-round without freezing! Yay! No freezing!

Ahh, but it will probably never happen. And even if it did, I wouldn't like it there, either. I'd be too concerned with the fact that there are no discernable seasons and I would long for my hot chocolate and fireplaces.

So, the solution is for the weather to be as follows:

Winter will last 2 months. Spring will last 4. Summer will last 3. Fall will last 3. That way we will have beautiful flowers for most of the year, and we'll get to enjoy the crispness of Autumn, and the scorching Utah heat and the Depressing Utah cold will be but a short while --long enough to be appreciated and short enough to be missed.

~sigh~ Please come, Spring! AND STAY THIS TIME!

A Simple Walk

Since I was running late, dh took the girls to Church a little earlier, and #3 and I walked by ourselves to the meetinghouse. It's only 2 blocks down the street --not too far, and so I knew #3's little legs would make it. After Church, I had to stay for some Primary things, so dh took the girls home and left #3 for me to walk with again.

It was a beautiful day. So full of light and fresh air --so perfect. #3 and I walked very, very slowly --of course -- and he was so happy to be outside. He held onto my hand tightly (very rare that he would let me hold his hand) and babbled and babbled at everything he saw.

This Simple Walk made my entire week. My month. Maybe even my year. Nothing spectacular happened --we just walked together.

Amazingly enough, I was reminded at how much I love my children. How much I love being their mother.

I think the "funk" is gone... :)

My "Funk"

I've been in a "funk" lately...so to speak...and I have a feeling that I'm not the only mom to have felt this way.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I haven't every considered harming my kids or dh (although when the garbage doesn't get taken out, I do get a tad freakish...). But parts of me want to just run home to mother.

If I did run home to mommy and daddy and left my life behind, I know without a doubt that my parents would kick me in the head and send me back. Good parents! So, I've never seriously considered running home to mother --not seriously, anyways.

The part that scares me is that I've even WANTED to run away. This feeling usually occurs while the house is a disaster (oh, I'm getting on that maid thing! See previous maid post), my kids are throwing tantrums, and dh is working late or with the YM or somewhere else. And then I throw my hands up in the air, plop on the couch, and sometimes just cry.

I feel so scared when I start to "give up". When I start asking myself, "Why did I want to do this?" and "Why are we trying to have another one of these hellians?" And then I daydream about all the traveling I would do if I had no children and start to think about all the education I would have gotten if I hadn't gotten married (sidenote: I do have a Bachelor's --I'm thinking MBA or MFA or MFT...) .

Then I freak out! WHAT!???!!?!? Why would I want anything different? These cute, adorable, lovable children that are mine and that dorky, sexy dh that is mine --why am I wishing them away?

The older women in my ward are always telling me to enjoy my kids while they are young because they will grow up so fast. I'm sure this is true, but at the same time, I'm so looking forward when they can dress, feed, bathe, and take care of things on their own so that I can ENJOY them. Ahh, you say, but then they become moody pre-teens! And then crazy adolescents!

Okay, okay, I concede. Parenthood is hard no matter what age the kids are...but for now, how do I get out of this funk? This rut of "Why?" Forget all that eternal stuff --I know the gospel is true and eternal families are wonderful and whatever, blah, blah, blah. Looking at the big picture isn't helping me. I need to deal with this on a very temporal and very short focused amount of time --hour by hour some days. How do I get myself out of this pity party? This rut? This funk? How do I be happy again with the beautiful family that I have? Any ideas would be helpful...